A challenge that probably doesn't matter to you at all. Or so I guess. I tried to be alone for a year. Or rather, without the girls who so often caught my eye, my mind, my heart and my cock.
Keep in mind: I also consider this challenge a failure. Why? I just don't know what I got out of it, that's all. It was quite fun, though.
I'm putting the notes here in case they give you ideas and help you.
Let me explain.
Imagine you are a 19-year-old who has spent the last 14 years playing video games. 1 Your hair is greasy, your clothes are dingy and dirty, and the wind is in your head.
And you are silent, because you have nothing to say to him.
In your spare time, you visit suspicious sites in abundance, 2 watching porn and reading science fiction books. Sometimes you go to school - it's final exams!
One day you meet a girl. Loud, brave, full of strength and ideas, and so beautiful! With everything you can't boast. You ask to go on a date. This is the first girl you've been attracted to in 19 years.
- I'm sorry," she says, "it's better to just be friends.
You are sad. All these years of playing video games, you haven't got used to playing in a way that makes you know how to lose. This defeat feels like the end of the world. When you get home, you cry.
You're sitting in front of the internet, looking for "How do I get out of the friend zone?".
A month later, you meet another girl. You ask her out too, but this time pretending to be braver, after taking advice from the internet.
She agrees. And you have one amazing summer. First dates, first hugs, first kisses, first... Things in bed.
- Oooooh," he shouts. But this time it's not the wind, it's the high-pressure blood in your brain. You want more!
However, you break up with your first love. Because... You get tired of building relationships. You're scared. Sincerely. You're so scared of having a relationship that you don't admit it to yourself for six years after the first break-up!
Looking for another girl.
On Tinder, on dating sites, in clubs and on the streets. 3
Randi. Get excited.
How to hang a girl easily?
- Create a unique you. Start writing, drawing maps, making art, creative business. Talk about it and share it widely. Live boldly with your challenges and your no-nonsense style.
- Be proud of your achievements. Not for the girl, but for others. Show the world what you do! Be a braggart, be a superstar!
- Speak unexpectedly. As if you didn't care at all - about politics and the weather, about the arts and her least favourite books.
- Ask for a date in a few days. At your favourite Green cafe. 4 You'll still be working there, so you can meet.
- Admire it. Watch how her earrings move. Listen to her stories. Breathe the air she exhales.
- Come back to your house or hers. No sex! Play board games, have lunch, go your separate ways.
- The second time is with sex. The first one, however, was only for reassurance. Just like this whole carnival.
- Take a shower. A lot. Often. Every time we meet.
- If the relationship is going well, carry on. My longest was 10 months. If you're not doing well, just become friends.
- Breathe. Rest for a month. Whatever happens, you will still find your Love.
- Get another girl. Now it's different.
During these 6 for a year, they fall in love:
- The red hair not guilty;
- Big Breasted menotyrin;
- Travelling, boyish blonde;
- Playful children's theatre actress;
- Nymphomaniac Fatty;
- Funny jewellery artist;
- Scientific fiction writer;
- Gambling an entrepreneur;
- Global as a photographic model;
- Family esktremale...
...And a few dozen more muses I've known for a short time.
After our last encounter, after this homely, courageous, once out of the drug swamp, extreme, after her amazing beauty, her life story and all the wonderful time together...
...You feel like a stump. Like a decaying autumn stump.
You've just met a woman of the most stunning looks, manner and achievements. But you broke up because your views on Lithuania, morality and the ideal family didn't match.
You ask yourself what is going on. What's going on here?
You realise that you can no longer trust the internet and its advice. You contact psychotherapist Tim Petraitis. You meet.
Read a book by Brenda Shaeffer "What is love or addiction?" You realise that all these years the wind has been blowing in your head.
– Ūūūūū, – spiegia galvos tarpeklius skrodžiantis vėjas.
And you considered this wind as love.
So you sit and think.
I need at least one year to be with myself.
It is ironic that I have given so little time to the person I know best. I've been looking for a date that... Well, you know all that. 6
So…
- Some old.
- See also romantic dating.
- Exploring own humanity.
- Breathing.
Here's how I'm doing.
- December: I spent time with a psychotherapist.
- January: I realised that I was taking this on.
- February: Quiet.
- March: Quiet.
- April: I met a girl. I didn't fall in. I felt happier. 7
- May: I watch myself.
- June: It's calm again.
- July: Chiki. Summer!
- August: I'm beginning to understand(?) that the point of a relationship is to enjoy, not to take or give. And it is important not to expect. If I'm off the hook, say so.
- September: I met a girl.
- October: Maybe it's not about romance, but about friendship?
I'm still trying to understand what is going on. I am still living.
...So that's my challenge for 2017!
And what do you say? What good should I do this year? And who would help me find my answers?
confused,
Will there be a 2019 update of this story? 🙂
Great challenge, Debesyla! I'm joining too 🙂 For fun, I took this test (maybe someone else will find it useful too?) https://www.yourpersonality.net/attachment/ and I found out that my attachment style is fearful-avoidant. Now I'm thinking, um, what am I supposed to do with all this now? A toxic relationship with my father, a toxic marriage, good thing it's over... It's time to look into my inner magnet, which is the reason I attract all kinds of "good" to me. Thank you for writing!
"A Year Without Sex" reminded me of Neil Strauss's The Truth - Uncomfortable Book About Relationships.
Not because of the sexless years, but because it deals with interesting issues that, as usual, they don't teach you anything about in school. But that is natural. Polygamy, monogamy, etc.
Anyway, I don't even know if the book is the right excuse to write a comment here. I just wanted to boast that I have read such a book.
Polyamory still. Quite an interesting, deliberately free movement. I'm currently interested in more - there are also polyamorists in Lithuania, which is great fun to meet them! 🙂
This is a good one.
I keep asking myself if I had taken a good solid break between the two halves, if I had pursued my own goals rather than being interested in women, would there have been less noise in my head. Actually, I don't think so. I haven't had a long break - years - but I have had other circumstances in my life that have changed me, and I have had to analyse my decisions and realise that we are not going to get away from those thoughts, from the self-blame and the doubt that the thoughts are just going somewhere.
Then the real growth and consolidation of oneself as a person begins, because only after this decision, an indivisible decision. The kind of decision that you tell yourself that I will endure and I will do it under any conditions, then the real real realisation of the beauty of life and therefore of oneself begins. The purification of the true values that are important for oneself. You start to love yourself more with all your pros and cons, what ifs, buts, etc. Then you accept your true human nature.
I'm specifically saying that I was someone who really struggled to build relationships, I was scared of being hurt, then I hurt myself. It was like I was protecting myself, but as time goes on you realise that you just sink further and not only that you don't deal with the problem but you run away from it, but you sink further because then you see that the consequences are sitting on your conscience and eating away at the goodness in you little by little.
For me, I can't say completely, but the decision to marry a woman, a woman who has suffered a lot because of my fears and doubts, but once you have made the decision, it's as if you realise that you are crossing the threshold of a door that has been open for a long time, but you have been on the other side of it, and you have not been able to dare to step over the threshold.
I don't consider myself the world's biggest sinner, but life has taught me in not so gentle ways, injuries, embarrassing moments, etc. If you want to learn, learn to follow what the signs are telling you, and after making so many mistakes, you really understand what it means to be committed to love and to care for another person, to want to grow together. When you start to understand that true feminine selflessness and devotion, then it seems that nothing could be more beautiful.
Of course, not everything is perfect, neither myself nor my other half fulfils all my needs 100 % and you blame yourself when your thoughts go somewhere else, but then you realise it's just thoughts (fuck them). If you've been bothered a lot, you look at a picture of the person you're with, where she's so simple but gorgeous and looks more beautiful than anything else in the world, you smile and that's it, problem solved. You sit calm again.
You will always have to sacrifice something for something. And I'm still learning minimalism, because there are so many offers in life and sometimes you don't know if you're just being tested, tested, tested, tested, or if it's really a meaningful offer, but you have to learn how to pick and choose and how to say a big fat NO. If we really need something in life, life will offer it when it really makes sense.
Through mistakes to salvation, as the saying goes.
Thanks for the ideas, Bob!!
Erich Fromm , "The Art Of Loving". Give it a go.
(I had a chance to pick up your book in a bookshop today, and the ideas I found in it were interesting enough for me to come here now, and boy it was worth it. Thanks for all that good stuff.)
It's already on my "to read this year" list, thank you!
It's quite an interesting challenge, and I wish you hadn't failed. Sorry. People come and go, and you have to realise that it's a little after noon. Ha ha ha I say even though I don't believe it myself. Then my challenge would be to get rid of the crush by autumn. Good luck, Daniel!
I'll take a look! Send a ton of blondes after me, Neril, like in a movie! 😀
(Please don't base it on zombie movie plots. Preferably an action thriller where I'm trying to find my kidnapped turtle.)
Horror fit? 🙂 🙂 🙂
Congratulations:) i think you are on the right track. If you want more ideas for sivityra - I think a great thing is the "family constellations", and in general your relationship with your mother and father, what influences have you taken from them, what are you repeating, and what should be abandoned, changed. Another thing, if you're already talking about writing a fiction novel- I highly recommend meeting people who love the land- start with the farmers, the agriculturists, move on to the florists, the horticulturists, the vineyard growers, then to the horse breeders, the zoo keepers, the fishermen of the river and the sea, and to the ornithologists, ...(you can make it up yourself). 🙂 and I wish you a super wonderful novel (i.e. full of Love), surviving, writing, creating. 🙂 Sweet success:D
I'll have a look, Sim, I've never heard of these constellations before 😮
! Great:) I promise to participate next time, I will be able to share my experience.
Well, yeah... When you radiate love yourself, you don't have to look far for it. 😉
p.s. self-confidence, for me, is the sexiest trait not only in men. 🙂
Pala, Monikita, aren't you at the top of the Hansa? She said the same thing about trust 😀
Well, yeah... Wherever I go, I meet love. I just see men's eyes shining and I feel so good in my heart. The ability to stir up those patches of the soul that they are just hiding without knowing it themselves. I mean gentlemanliness, sensitivity, anger, masculinity and many other qualities. That's how the list of friends is filled 😀 Seriously, when I radiate love myself, I don't have to look far for it. Don't get so disheartened and don't be afraid of anything. 🙂
p.s. self-confidence, for me, is the sexiest trait not only in men. 🙂
Thank you, Hansa! Self-confidence is indeed admirable in everyone. I am also impressed by the 80-year-old grandmothers exercising in Kaunas parks. I imagine that one day I might do that too. In a word, believe in yourself and the power comes from that! Thank you!
how interesting it would be to try the same... good for you !!!
I invite you to join then! c:
I read and nod at every sentence - the winds in my head are howling, and similar love adventures, short affairs and slightly more serious ones, keep rolling in... And you feel the same "stumpy" way after each one, because you realise that it's not what you want at all. And you don't know what you want. Because you've spent too much time looking for others and not for yourself.
So I very much support your decision, because I had the same feeling at the beginning of the year. Enough. You have to focus on yourself. And if lightning strikes, it will strike. At least you will have tried something new and, hopefully, discovered something new in yourself.
P.s., articles on such unusual topics are very reassuring. I'm not the only one who has such... extravagant (read: easily shocking friends and family) thoughts. So thank you Debesylai for sharing them
I'm just sharing what I'm going through. Thank you, Dreamer! :3
Hmm. Are you not a little too full of yourself, Debesyla???? Isn't that a bit of a catchphrase you've put on there? I don't see how you can go a year without love. Maybe without a relationship (the other half) to get to know yourself? Or without sex? Get out of my head! Actually, I wish for lightning, I wish for lightning. Because without love who are we?
You like challenges, I see. You test the limits of your capabilities. But you REALLY don't save for love, huh? Because you'll miss out on something very valuable.
And a word of advice to all those who write here: nice writing style. It reads well.
I'm willing to take the risk, Genute! :')
Debesyla, great challenge ! Except that love is not subject to schedules, dates and deadlines, like telling the most beautiful flower in the world to bloom slower or to smell less, but your willingness and determination to do so is very commendable, so I'll be looking forward to the sequel 🙂
That's the interesting thing. Maybe I'll realise I'm making a mistake. Maybe I'll realise I'm a genius. Maybe nothing will happen. But who knows... And there will definitely be an update when this year ends in December!
I remember a few years ago when I was frantically looking for a girlfriend myself. Through various channels. I finally found her, not through websites or tools at all, but naturally, at a concert I was playing.
It wasn't a long relationship, I'm married to another girl now, but the bottom line is this. I realised two things:
1. Looking for a girl takes a lot of energy. And I feel a bit sorry for my years of wasting a lot of energy just to have a girlfriend.
2. Having been married to the end, I have found that the saying (I just can't remember who) "The body is the least a woman can give a man" really works for me. And after reading your "How to get an easy girl?" I hope only one thing - that a really smart person like you wrote it with sarcasm. Because if you really believe that, then either you have a very corrupted way of thinking about real relationships, or you'll have problems later on when you get married. First date for reassurance, second date for sex. And after that, fuck as often as possible. So what? With this approach you are only looking at yourself and you start the relationship from the wrong end. Ok, you spill the seed, your brain can think about other things again, you add another "zilch" to your stallion list, you get divorced - no big deal, you look for other members of the list. And the fact that a woman (hopefully sober) often makes love not only out of physical desire, and that for her, making love is really more strongly tied to her feelings than for a man - never mind. Somehow we are getting closer to the Americans, where having sex for 13 years without realising the meaning or the consequences is normal and natural. Then pregnancies, abortions, years of insomnia from women's mistakes, parental stress, and, on the "man's" side, a washout. I am not talking about all of them, but somehow, when you read lists like this, you get the impression that you do not even think about these things. You look for girls until you find a good one. And good ones are not found, but made. And it's more about getting to know each other on a second date than about getting laid. However, if you're looking for a relationship, it's not sex and a developing body that will sustain that relationship... In a word. And the worst thing, perhaps, is that you are a public figure, part educator, whose ideas are likely to be used by at least a few people and applied to themselves. And sex is not eating ice cream in the park.
Thank you, Vygantai!!! Unfortunately, before I learn anything, I don't recommend doing anything at all. I am not a relationship guru and I am just sharing my problems for which I am trying to find solutions. All of this is embarrassing for myself.
...And, yes, there's a satirical guide. Thank you very much! <3
Oh how fun it will be when in a month or so we read about how lightning struck and Debesyla fell in love 😀 It's such an unpredictable thing, no matter how hard you try to keep the focus off it. Those muses are flying everywhere and always!
Anyway, I'll be smiling the whole time I'm reading it, and I'll read about the result of the challenge with an even bigger smile 🙂
Well, well, well, several friends told me the same thing about lightning 😀
But that's exactly why I'm sharing the challenge - so that I can remind myself as the year progresses, so that I can observe my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. Maybe I'm addicted, I just don't know it? Maybe I'm missing something in myself that is obvious? Or maybe I should just think less?
One way or another, there is still time. Let's see what happens!
All of life is very interesting and so are the people we meet in it. I'm all for relationships - all kinds, painful, beautiful, stunning. I think the most important thing is to understand what they have given, what you have given to maybe the other person. And move on... 🙂
p.s. It's always fun and interesting to read your thoughts.
*Tilt your head in agreement*
Thank you, Murmur!
A great challenge! Congratulations! Although I naturally had a gap of a year or a year and a half between relationships, during which I had enough time to understand what I wanted and didn't want from men. The most important thing is to work on yourself in this situation, because if you just declare celibacy for the sake of it, you won't understand anything in the end. Good luck, Daniel!
So, there you go, in these 4 months I have already managed to ask myself some unpleasant questions. I'm checking what I really need! 😉 Thank you very much, Lina!