Goal of the day: 1527 words. Written: 1433.
But... Does that mean that every bad choice in my life was MY mistake?
Right.
However. Why is it so difficult to resist our inner desires, to give in and live in peace, however unpleasant?
- It's the habit of always giving in;
- It is a lack of experience, of acting more strongly than one's desires;
- ...And in the end, maybe it's just a lack of desire?
Why NOT having a wish is still good
- Lack of willingness to change is natural.
- And you should understand and accept that.
- Think about why you don't want that "better" life your friends keep telling you about, with all the Clouds and endless walls of Facebook that can give you Feisbukitis (link to article).
- And accept your reluctance as natural - it's NORMAL AND HEALTHY to be reluctant.
- I stress that you SHOULD NOT get over not wanting something that others usually want.
- Here, for example, I don't want sex. I mean, it's fun, but I'd much rather just hug a girl and sleep with her, or better still, lie with her in those moments before going to sleep or just after waking up.
- And should I be worried now because others find sex to be their greatest desire, or I know that sex is, according to some sources, healthy and so on?
- No, I shouldn't.
- Accept your reluctance as a wish. Because it is also a wish for something else.
- Every choice we make is between two or more desires - the desire to do A and the desire to do B, as I mentioned earlier. And there is no right choice.
- There are no right answers. There are no right choices - there are no commandments that say so, and God forbid, even the laws are just pieces of paper created by people just like us. Not the gods of Olympus or the devils of hell. Just people.
- There are no correct choices with a plus sign.
- ...That is why we need to choose Love.
And that's why you have to choose Love
Like Martynas Jocius writes in his short book "Transformations of Attention" - your life is what you pay attention to.
And if you focus on just one thing, say painting pictures, you will have spent your whole life painting pictures. You might have picked up some incredible skills along the way, learning to paint like Michelangelo.
If your life consists of the 100 most boring things that a statistical Lithuanian does, you shouldn't be surprised how you've lived your life so far as a statistical Lithuanian and not as a resident of another country.
You have to choose, because your wishes and your desires, which are guiding you now, will lead you somewhere... Somewhere.
But they will lead. And that's why you should at least consider:
- Where will your desires take you?
- Where are your desires taking you now?
- Where did they take you in the past (and how did you get to where you are now)?
- And finally, if you really say you want something, but do nothing and resist your own desire, is it really a desire worthy of attention?
...Maybe, as I said at the beginning of this book, you don't need a simple "I want", but you need "I want VERY VERY much"? In other words, "I LOVE"?
Personally, for several years of my admittedly short life, I have tried to choose only those things in my life that I REALLY like. Only those things that go past the "YES, EXACTLY YES!" threshold[1]. Only what I REALLY love.
Because that way I don't waste my time on activities that only satisfy me... and I make room for activities (and things - like caramel ice cream) that I love so much.
I give up people who make me want to slit my throat... And I choose people who make me feel so wonderful that tears come out of my eyes. Literally. And yes, I am so emotional sometimes. 🙂
And the further I go, the more I believe that this attitude of choosing between "et, sueis" and "yes, I agree to be with you, my Love" in favour of the latter is a good attitude.
Less space for "et" and more for "valio!". That's part of life, after all - not only translating one chemical into another, but also enjoying the process. Because that is how God or nature made us, so that some things are very satisfying to do.
And why should I go against the will of God or nature just because I'm scared?
A few more questions you might have
But aren't there desires and loves that are programmed for humans?
- Krishnaism, psychological types, stories and sagas, the number of university places - they say that a certain percentage of people are dedicated to doing just one thing.
- But research shows that this is not the case - humans are creatures who can be tempted to do whatever they feel like at the time.
- And systems and sagas are not rule-making but rule-adapting. A part of the human race came first, and only then did someone define that part.
OK, so now I have my desires... What to do now?
- If you know what you want... Then do it.
- What's stopping you?
- And if they do, do they really want to?
- An example with a popular toilet story and a strong desire.
- And if you say you really want something, but find reasons not to do it...
- ...Well, I'm sorry, but you haven't found your true Desires yet. Your Love.
- You haven't found it yet, so go back to the first move and look again - what you're doing now, what you could be doing, what you'd like to be doing... Then pick the four best ones out of the pile of possibilities. As I said, I hope you've already read that part of the book. 🙂
Is it basically a case of wanting and doing?
- Exactly. You want it and you do it.
- Because there is no other way - if you don't want to do it, you won't do it. Look at the previous section on why everything we do (even the things we don't seem to like) is driven by our desires to not get burnt in the ass and to stay happy.
- Because what we don't have the will to do, even if we tell ourselves "I wish, oh I wish" in our minds, we don't do.
- And finally, if you keep telling yourself that but you don't start, look at this: Perhaps your greatest desire is to sit and dream?
- (By the way, I'm not saying that sitting, dreaming and doing nothing is bad. I'm not urging you to take up your dreams, because that's... Well, such exhortations never work, and anyway, they annoy the people to whom they are repeated. If you want to dream, dream. Because all desires are equally good and equally bad - they are neutral and NO ONE has the right to judge which of your decisions were good and which were bad, except you. (See the section on why all desires and aversions are good.))
What if I do something I don't like and find unpleasant (or want to do) and feel bad about it?
- Then accept it. And rejoice - you've realised things about yourself that others don't. Others do things they don't like and don't realise that their inner desire to stay where they are is greater than their desire to change.
- Accept it.
- You're not special - many people do things they don't like to do, but do them anyway. They say they don't like it, they tell themselves and others that they hate it, but they still do it. They torture themselves and call it spiritual suffering, the life of an artist, the wrong life, or some other way of making sense of it.
- And it's not masochism, although it may sound like it.
- It is simply human nature, as the saying goes, "A wolf in heat grows accustomed". We are human beings, we get used to unpleasantness, when living with unpleasantness is easier than living in uncertainty or in terrible, disruptive change.
- That's why people curse politicians, but continue to elect them. That is why people complain that there is no money, but still do not take up a second job or an activity that, while taking up their spare time, would still bring in money. That is why people spend four years studying civil engineering, hating themselves more and more, or trying month after month to turn a couple's bad relationship into something it is not. And, hey, the last two examples are from my life. 🙂
- Face it, it's human nature. You prefer not to change anything, even if it hurts, and you should accept that.
But... But... But I want to change something VERY VERY much!
- No, you don't.
- If you wanted to, you would.
But I noooo want to!
- Don't be a little child. Life is like that - if you want to change something, then you have to change something. And if you're not ready to do it yet and you're still scaring yourself with something terrible...
- ...Well, you can always use all sorts of tips, exercises and techniques, which are in abundance on the shelves of today's self-help and popular psychology books. And I was in the bookstore today checking them out - they are full. They are also full on the Internet.
- But, very importantly, when you play this game, you are only trying to convince yourself that you love someone... someone you really hate. And do you really want to love something you hate? Do you really?
- Personally, I find such persuasions and attempts to woo completely absurd and stupid - why would you lie to yourself and brainwash yourself by trying to convince yourself of something you don't believe in? To believe that you love the taste of, say, mussels, when they actually make you sick?
- Well, but let's say you still want to see the other side of the "worse" (i.e. the one you don't choose and don't want enough now) choice. You want to broaden your horizons and still try to break out of the "I hate it, but I still subconsciously want to do it" box and change your life...
- ...Then I have some specially selected exercises for you. These are just a few exercises among many - I won't list them all here, because that's not the point of this book, but let me tell you about them.
I have fallen out of the tree and I know nothing about how to convince myself of the positive aspects of change. How do I make myself want what I don't want enough right now?
- Here are the exercises and approaches I will tell you about:
- The Principle of the Inevitable, or how to push yourself into the deadly zone that will give you the greatest possible motivation ((the principle of gust - death, honour or money)).
- "What's the worst that can happen?" Principle.