Questions I ask myself

Goal of the day: 1483 words. Written: 675.

Last November I realized: my crazy fascination with women is not healthy. That obsession to fill some void in me…

…I first made an appointment with a psychotherapist. Existentialist direction, because questions of existence always arose for me.

(I regret not having a psychotherapist earlier - I think everyone needs one, as well as a personal family doctor.)

…Meetings with psychotherapists are always, as far as I know, not a way to get instructions on what to do. It is more of a conversation with your soul with the help of a guide. Inevitably, I started asking myself questions.

I wrote down my questions in an electronic notebook.

Here they are, written during the 6 weeks of the psychotherapy course, uncensored:

• Why am I afraid that people are not fully open with me and are hiding something?
• Why am I afraid that girls are not open to me?
• Why do I feel like I need to do something more in a relationship?
• Why don't I feel content with who I am, just being here?
• Why do I always want more and more attention and…
• …Romantic explosions?
• …Beautiful kisses, looks, moments?
• …Touches and sex?
• Why do I like it when I take a girl somewhere, but then like it when she dominates the bed? Are sadomasochistic relationships an expression of healthy love? Is it healthy love?
• Why do I want Elena?
• Am I manly enough? Strong enough to live alone?
• Am I aware of other people's emotions? Do I see them?
• Do I offend other people?
• Is insulting others bad?
• Is it even possible for me to offend others? Or is it part of their relationship?
• If I am open to others, why am I not open to myself?
• …Am I open to others?
• Do I give attention and time only when I want something back from those around me?
• …Is this part of a good relationship?
• …Or should you give without expecting anything?
• …How to give without expecting anything?
• What if I give too little?
• What if she doesn't like me?
• I've been told I'm a pain in the ass - am I a pain in the ass?
• Has the constant catching of "How to..." tricks and using them for manipulation become such a bad habit of mine that I can no longer communicate without using it?
• Did I hang out with Elena because I needed sex, attention, a dose of romance - those damn nice drugs - or because she's just a really cool, sweet, nice girl, friend?
• Is friendship the foundation of a relationship? Is this how a good relationship starts?
• Did all that training in hooking up girls screw me up and turn me into an insecure mess?
• Were those girl hangers on giving me false beliefs?
• Did I choose my past girlfriends and crushes because they were beautiful characters? Not funny, smart, clever, there's-always-something-to-talk-about-and-do-a-crazy-challenge-together, but just good-looking, nice-dressing, impressive artist, dancer, teacher, what other job??
• Is it more important to create friendships, because when creating friendships, you will always get a friend, and later, if you fall in love with each other, a partner with whom you will be good not only on the Facebook cover photo?
• Is the "Fear the Friend Zone" PUA scare just bad advice? Hostile?
• …Or is it bad when you are already confident and not afraid to take action?
• Did I desire to create a family, to have children because it would really make my activities, work, and efforts to earn meaningful?
• Perhaps I should first of all - before looking for something - have clear goals for myself, which simply women will not be able to change?
• Or maybe I don't see my own meaning and have been looking for a couple these past years through all the dating channels because I was missing someone who would become the ruler of my goals?
• Perhaps this desire to be with someone was an inner need to be needed?
• Are strong romantic relationships born out of friendship?
• Or maybe it all starts simply from the beginning of a friendly acquaintance?
• Is my desire to call Elena in a month, my fantasies about how she will answer, how she will say NO or how we will meet, what we will talk about when we meet, what will happen when the meeting ends and la, la, la - all those fantasies are good? Or maybe it's bad and I shouldn't even think about it?
• Why does Elena's post on Instagram make me so heartbroken and full of longing/anger?
• Why did I feel so loving and painful when I saw our photos together in Palanga and in my home?
• …Why is it so hard for me to think about it now and I want to push it away, stuff it with reading, work or TV series?
• Is my desire to meet her as friends and love again… Hell, that desire to keep daddy/mommy/lifeline around… It's not gone. It's the same desire!
• The constant apologizing in my mind for hurting her is also the same desire to influence and manipulate her! …It's so!?

I have long believed that questions lead to answers. I'm still looking for answers to some of these questions.

- Daniel,
July 2017