A month without internet. I experienced them already three and they are different every time. In the first year I discovered my family, in the second year - books. The third time is your relationship with your relationship.
After a fantastic start (as have the past three), it soon slid down the slope into what the owner of my newfound coffee shop calls the "Oh no" zone.
Questions about myself, my relationships, the meaning of my work, the quality of my work, WILL I EVER FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME, why She doesn't respond to me, am I too X (insert negative quality of your choice here), am I doing everything right…
Yes. These fears are boiling inside of me, somewhere out there, and when I go offline, I feel SO LONELY as hell.
There are two ways to stay with yourself:
- RUN: new challenges, places, creativity, people, food, just running. But as Darja Lyzenko wrote not too long ago - you can't run away from yourself.
- LOOK INTO THE ABYSS: to feel, to suffer, to talk to yourself, to scream at imaginary people, to read painful books, to dream, to think of millions of "What if..." scenarios, to open up to people who are not yet your friends, but they are the closest thing you have to friends. But of course it hurts.
I was running. I looked. I did both.
After turning on the LRT Opus radio station, visiting Nyče's Ūsai cafe, reading about relationships and our psychology, writing texts to imaginary people (Her, Them, Them and Himself), inviting a girl for a one-night adventure (and not experiencing that adventure, because you understand that what you do!? Why!?) while running and smelling the autumn breezes in the yard.
Then, in the third week, I started to lose weight. I visited new cafes, but I thought about myself - who am I? I cleaned the house. Things. Dreams. I wrote down the unfinished works. I wrote down the unfinished work to finish it when I returned. I did a whole bunch of masturbating acrobatics. The baristas of Kaunas cafes and the walls of my house saw it.
I was the fourth.
ONE. Man. I cut my mustache. I put my dreams in place. I realized that the most important thing for me is to teach and learn, to raise challenges, to promote minimalism, to protect nature. To write.
I looked at my hands. I stripped naked: clothes and soul. I stood in front of the mirror and watched that slim, mustached, dark-eyed guy.
His toes are hairy. The penis is average. The chest is bare. The eyes are like those of a sparrow. The brain is in the head.
...This brain controls the hands that the young man is now moving, controls the skin that is starting to freeze from the cold, the heart, intestines and lungs that are working somewhere inside.
This young man is a BRAIN IN A SKELETON.
These brains dream of changing the world, making it better for themselves and others. He dreams of loving a woman and believing that she loves him back. They dream of being appreciated. Dreaming of living off the big G.
…This brain in a skeleton once fell in love with a girl, another, a third; once he started writing texts, the one you are reading now, he built a house around himself, he did all this.
This brain in a skeleton IS ME. I finally came back to myself.
The month without internet is over.
(…What's next?)
A month without the Internet is a month with discoveries. Will you try it too?
inviting,
Daniel