Scene: written by erasmus during his studies in the Czech Republic, at night, unable to sleep. This letter is full of questions, answers, research and self-confessions.
* * *
Just a moment ago I was lying in bed. Like every night, I turned my face to the wall in my narrow bed, put one hand under the pillow, pressed the caldron tighter to me with the other and tried to fall asleep in the embryo (or maybe more like a spoon?) position...
This is what I do every night - this position in bed like this helps me fall asleep faster. If everything went according to plan - after a few moments (well, or minutes) I would be asleep.
…But not this time.
This time I didn't feel like usual. Couldn't sleep.
Thoughts were shooting in the head, as if the head was their biggest enemy. And I didn't understand what was happening.
I'll admit it - I'm a person who would like to analyze everything. This is my weakness sometimes, unless I remind myself or others remind me (thank you for doing this a few times already) I can imagine, daydream and create a million crazy scenarios in my head.
Knowing this, I usually choose to control my thoughts. I take a breath, start repeating the magic word "night" in my mind, think about Van Gogh's paintings, or simply turn my attention to something completely unrelated.
Mostly.
This time I chose to think. And I thought.
I thought about what I felt. I wondered why I had a headache. Why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel like I've made a huge mistake. And why my self-confidence has disappeared somewhere at this moment.
…Are you wondering what exactly I was thinking?
* * *
Very recently, in fact, just today, I finished reading a really interesting book. Yes, the same 25-page book. About the relationship that you know so well, and I - maybe only half.
The book tells about the fact that all human relationships (romantic and not only) are based on the fulfillment of three main emotional desires.
…It's about wanting to be safe—knowing that you'll always have a counter. To want to be in common with another - to feel a common connection. And the desire to feel strong - to know someone who is famous, beautiful, rich or otherwise has a status higher than yours.
For each inhabitant of the earth, these desires have different priorities. For example, a statute is important to one, while another may not care about it at all. And vice versa.
If the needs of two people do not coincide, communication ends automatically, when one of the interlocutors gets tired of feeling that his needs are not being met. And so the ideal couples (and maybe the only ones that survive) are those with the same priorities. Their combinations match.
Why am I telling you this?
The book also tells about how it helps to know yourself better - why, for example, when communicating with some people, you feel a crazy attraction to them, and others have a crazy desire to cut their throats (or more often just leave them the hell)?
The author mentions many ways to understand oneself. However, one of the easiest ways to understand your feelings, according to the author, is to ask yourself "Why?" Until the ice of thoughts is broken and the answer is found.
To be honest, this way of thinking was not something new to me – I have been used to asking “Why?” all my life. That could be my motto. Or what part of the anthem. 😀
Following the advice, I did it. I asked myself why.
* * *
"Why do I feel so angry?", I asked self
Answer: because today's conversation with Si wasn't the coolest conversation ever.
"Why wasn't he the coolest conversation in history?", I asked myself then.
Answer: because I didn't feel like I was out of breath when I spoke. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I didn't even laugh at Si's silly jokes. And I guess I didn't make her laugh too much.
"Why did you feel wrong when you spoke?", for the third time I asked himself, cutting a stone path with a pickaxe into the depths of the Moray of thought.
"When did I feel good?" I asked myself back.
"Don't lie, Daniel," I stifled my questions. "But here's the answer, you felt good yesterday," I then added in my mind.
…I thought…
…And the answer to the question appeared immediately: because I did not feel a sense of community.
* * *
How stupid indeed. According to the MBTI type description (and the words of a few close friends that I adore freedom) I should be the most independent type in the world.
Such a lone wolf for whom his company is enough. One who spits on the opinions of others. Who needs no one's support because he is his own warrior, his own thief, his own sorcerer and his own king. If we remember the four main archetypes of man.
…But somehow the sense of togetherness means so much to me.
So much so that neither human status nor a sense of security can replace it for me.
Good old fellowship. The way I feel when I'm with my best friends. And what I don't feel when communicating with people I don't really care about.
It's funny that I've lived my whole life as a loner (because god, I like it that way), but deep down I'm still looking for connections with others. I'm looking for someone I can listen to, who can listen to me, who I can teach and learn from, with whom I can do the craziest activities together, and Live together. From the capital letter.
Isn't that a bit ironic?
* * *
But you know, I didn't stop thinking here. After all, I said - I like to think. And ask a lot of "Why?" questions.
Next question continued the previous thought: "And why is it important for you to feel a sense of togetherness when communicating with Simona?".
Answer: because I like it? Huh?
"No, no, why with Simona?", I tilted yourself in a better direction.
Answer: well... You yourself know that I don't really care if it's Si or another girl. It's important to me that it is. I love it!
"Er... Ok, I'll ask it another way: why do you want to maintain the existing sense of togetherness with Si?", I attacked then from the other side.
…And here I wondered. Well, that is, I wondered for more than a moment—maybe a minute or two…
Understanding came slowly. And the answer to the question was at the same time obvious, logical and just plain scary to me.
Answer: because I don't want to lose her.
* * *
You know, almost every relationship book says one thing - girls don't like weak men. Don't like men who are afraid of losing them. And they don't like those who tell them that even more.
Probably, if I still listened to those advices, I would do one thing at this moment - I would try to hide all my feelings somewhere, and I would never tell you about that terrible answer.
…But I'll admit it - I can't listen to the rules anymore. Mark Manson wrote in his book about the three main needs of people - if you listen to popular and sound advice, but do not listen to your heart and the voice of desire, you will not be happy.
And I don't know why, but I like this approach. Because, after all, if I want a sense of togetherness and openness, wouldn't it be best to tell the people I hang out with and thus weed out life partners as quickly as possible from those who are not at all right for you?
In the best case, the person to whom you tell secrets that famous pick-up masters do not advise to tell will answer you. He will understand you or at least try to understand you. He will answer with his secrets. And you will live happily ever after in the land of rainbows and candy.
In the worst case, the person to whom you tell your secrets will not answer you. He might get scared. Maybe they won't understand and won't even try to understand. Maybe they will think "why is he stuck here now, what does he need?". And your paths will soon part.
But when you think about it, how bad is that bad option? Is it really bad to break up with someone you couldn't satisfy in one way or another? With someone who wouldn't satisfy you?
Maybe it's even better for you that you find out the answer now, and not after, say, a year of communication and thousands of hours invested?
* * *
And you know, Si, I have a confession to make. When I interact with you, at least in most of our conversations, I feel a sense of togetherness.
Do not know why. I don't know how it happens. I don't even know if it will go away after some time. But I feel it.
And that's why I'm afraid of losing you.
It is not a fear that will change my life very much. Don't worry. After all, if I was really afraid of that, I wouldn't be writing you this letter, right?
I'm not sure why I'm really afraid of that… You're not the last girl on earth. And you're definitely not the only one I can relate to. Even if you decide right now that it's better for us not to talk to each other, I could probably handle that easily - I already did it in the middle of the week when you didn't reply to my first letter.
But somehow that fear is still there. Whatever it is.
I may have been influenced by Murakami's books and my wild imagination, but beneath all my complexity lies the thought that maybe, just maybe, you are "the one". The only one that will happen in my life.
Sound funny?
Yes, it sounds funny to me too - I have already met five such "special" girls in my life. Five girls I was madly in love with, or at least thought I was. It was probably more often just admiration.
How do I know you're not another fake special? After all, I hardly know you yet. I wouldn't call the feeling for you love yet. And you haven't tried to repeat the script of Hollywood movies and you haven't started thinking of names for our children and where we will hold the wedding.
(Thank god damn for those last two!)
...But here, everything comes down to the desire to support what is. And that's probably why I felt angry after the not-so-successful conversation. Angry at himself and god knows what else.
Maybe because I didn't catch myself in my feelings?
* * *
It is now 2:40 AM. I have probably been writing this letter for at least an hour and a half or maybe even longer.
I don't know if you will see this letter. But I guess so.
I guess I'll give the letter to you to read live.
And I will watch your reactions, as I like to do.
...And now it's time to sleep, Daniel!