Being self-loving = being a good person (or how to love yourself)

Debesylian stories

Do you sometimes feel like there is a missing link in your life? Everything seems fine, but something is still wrong? Living by the rules of a happy life, but not feeling like a winner?

I felt that way too, until I finally solved one of the puzzles of my personal life and felt immense relief.

Now I want to share this discovery with everyone.

In my short life and even shorter period of conscious growth, I have come to understand something that is forgotten and overshadowed, too rarely practiced, and which I believe is an important step towards a better life.

I can confidently say that I love myself.

And I hope that this statement will not come across as egocentric. Of course, I do not claim to know everything or to be an expert in this field. I also can't say that I love myself in all aspects or one hundred percent - it's impossible to know.

But I am convinced that natural self-love is vital.

NEW: You can also listen to the article - voiced by a girl from Debesy Justina Pilkaitė:

What is love for us?

People understand it in different ways. The easiest description is a set of positive feelings directed at a particular person or group of people. Of course, there can also be love for activity, work, but we are not talking about that now.

Lovers define love as follows:

  • Being together,
  • The desire to bring happiness to another person,
  • The desire to feel happy on your own,
  • A sense of fullness and the like.

Parents describe love as follows:

  • Care,
  • help,
  • The desire to give your child the best,
  • Attachment and such.

And how do we define self-love?


If you think you love yourself, try to find words to describe the feeling you have for YOURSELF. What feelings come up when you think about yourself? How do you see yourself from the side? Are you proud and happy with yourself? Or maybe you are angry and don't understand? 

It is important to delve into your true feelings, and not the "standard" ones or the ones that are fed to us by the environment.

Think about it. Not so easy, is it?

Why can inspirational phrases be misleading?

Before revealing that si.eebuklinga recipe that starts with self-love, I need to clarify a few things.

As I already mentioned, everyone understands love in a similar way, but still differently. And self-love is even more different. Don't make the mistake of thinking that self-love can be blind! No no, that's not the case at all. Let me explain.

You've probably heard the inspirational phrase many times "love yourself the way you are". What does it really mean?

It's nothing more than an excuse for a person to stay at the same point and not feel bad about it. Being overweight, smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, various other addictions and obsessions, anger, aggression, manipulation... these are just a few things that some people have and others would like to get rid of in their lives.

And it seems that just as they begin to take their first steps toward growth, some stranger comes out of the gooseberries and whispers, "love yourself as you are." And everything is fine Mrasikeinoia.

A person believes that it is not necessary for him to change, because the most important thing is to love yourself with all the dirty baggage! This is a misleading phrase and is widely misunderstood by many. Yes, you need to love yourself, but not blindly. You need to love yourself because you like yourself. 1

Personally, I didn't consciously seek love for myself...

... Only thanks to happy coincidences, several books and life changes, suddenly one day, while writhing in bed, I realized - I love myself!

But, oh, that love is a liar!

Abstractly speaking, self-love can be divided into two types:

What is the difference between these types?

A shallow love is one that doesn't care about long-term solutions. She only cares about the HERE AND NOW, and the future and consequences do not exist.

Such love is only for comfort, indulging yourself in the moment, without any thought of future prospects. I would call that kind of love a lie. It's like those strange vacuum cleaner salesmen - it turns your brain into dust, and by the time you realize what's happened, it's too late to find fault.

For example:

Marytė wants to watch TV. Shows her favorite movie. However, she knows that she needs to rehearse the etude on the piano because she wants to participate in the Mother's Day concert in a month. Mary has two choices:

  1. Do not rehearse and watch videos,
  2. Rehearse and not watch videos.

In the first case, Marytė would get satisfaction from funny videos right away. Secondly, the satisfaction of appearing on stage would be felt very soon.

Also, the "amount" of pleasure varies greatly. Marytė would feel more euphoria after attending a concert and receiving applause than after watching a video.

Marytė believes that participating in the concert would give her a lot of confidence in pursuing her career as a pianist in the future. Also she would be proud of herself. But the videos are so fun and enticing…

What would YOU choose? // The author of the illustration is Milena Koles

Dopamine dictates its terms?

We are pleasure-seeking creatures. Our brain contains the so-called pleasure centers, where the chemical compound dopamine is released. 2 He is responsible for making us feel happy. Therefore, it is very normal to have a dopamine addiction. 3

What stimulates dopamine production? Things we like and things that entertain us. From good sex to a beautiful manicure. 4

We want pleasure quickly and a lot, so we almost always choose the easier way. That's why many people prefer it watching TV and playing computer games, rather than exercising or cooking a delicious dinner.

But true love requires some effort. 

Only not because it is achieved through suffering, but because we have forgotten and become unaccustomed to our natural state, which is self-love. A person who truly loves himself will always wish the best for himself. Not the sham, but the lasting good. The kind of goodness that will guarantee happiness for a long time.

Therefore, if Marytė chose rehearsal instead of watching videos, she would secure herself a greater amount of happiness for the future, sacrificing something smaller now. And you'll thank yourself later.

However, many people have a very wrong understanding of self-love.

It is not blind self-worship and comfort or acceptance of one's faults. Of course, we all have flaws. However, not all of us are determined to correct them. True self-love isn't like a plaque stuck in your head that makes you feel better about your bad decisions.

True self-love is when you sincerely want the best for yourself and devote your energy to achieving it.

The magic rule.

But all that aside! I can finally release that one the only principle you need to love yourself. Are you ready?

You have to be completely open with yourself.

Yes, I realize that the magic rule doesn't sound very magical. But the truth lies in this simplicity.

Only by being completely open with oneself can a person grow and move to a "higher level". Do you know how many times you have lied to yourself about something and then regretted it? Probably endless. I know because I did it too.

Every time you have to make a decision about something, but you feel doubt, ask yourself: "Do I really want this"?

Here are some practical tips for being completely open with yourself.

FIRST: Don't ignore your emotions.

When you feel angry - tell (yourself) that you feel angry; when you feel love - say you feel love; when you feel fear - say you feel fear and so on.

If some situation annoyed you or made you feel unpleasant, take some time to reflect on the feelings that happened. Get into your state and don't try to suppress it.

Ask yourself: Why did this situation annoy me? And answer the question in as much detail as possible. 5

Try to analyze your feelings in every uncomfortable situation.

...And don't be afraid to admit to yourself if you feel jealousy, shame, contempt - these emotions must not be hidden, they must be examined and understood, where and for what purpose they arise. You can analyze yourself endlessly in your mind - no one can hear you, so no one will judge you.

SECOND: If there are situations in life that you don't want to get into, don't get into them.

For example, if you don't want to visit your mother-in-law and are afraid to tell your husband - you have to give in - you are doing wrong to yourself.

You should think carefully about why you don't want to do this. Maybe your mother-in-law criticizes you and this undermines your self-confidence? Or maybe you want to know every little detail about your life, even though you don't want to share it at all? Or is she a terrible person—a tyrant with the head of a woman—and you want nothing to do with her?

Then answer yourself honestly, why this is so, and make the decision that seems most logical and best to you. For example, I would say to myself “So many negative people in my life not necessary and not important at allthat this is my husband's mother".

In short, once you understand your inner feelings and that they have a basis and are not just made up, do what you feel will make you happiest. Don't be afraid to say "Damn" and not do nasty things. Life is too short for stubbornness.

THREE: Know the basis of your actions.

After all, there can also be a reverse option. Maybe someone has asked you for a favor that you could theoretically do perfectly, but you're embarrassed or feel shy or awkward. For example, standing on stage during a performance and holding a flag.

Focus and ask yourself: why don't you really want to do that? Do you feel fear? Mistrust? Shame? Realize that some feelings are not based on any personal experience and are simply an example of irrational fear.

Answer to yourself why you really don't want to do that service. Don't try to dodge.

Adapt the question from step one and distill the real feelings that explain why you feel that way. And then, if you decide that there is no good reason not to do something, just dare and accept the offer.

Apply these exercises to your daily life. If someone asks you to clean the house in the morning, but you don't want to do it at all, ask yourself why. You'll probably come up with a hundred excuses as to why now is a bad time, but the truth is, you're just lazy. And great! The most important thing is to be open to yourself.

You need to know exactly why you are doing what you are doing and whether you really want to do it. Because if you don't want to, why do it?

Step up!

Forget what you considered "normal", "acceptable", "necessary" and so on until now. Each of us probably has a number of people in our environment who will repeat the same things that other people have repeated to them.

But no matter what they say or think— the most important thing is to stay open to yourself. No one has the right to deprive you of this opportunity or force you to do otherwise!

Try to listen to yourself and realize what is real and what is not, do not try to please other people. If you want to do something - really want to - do it. If you don't want to, don't do it. If you are fed up with something, say so. If you feel unappreciated, then you feel that way for a reason.

And when you see your true desires, you will start to be more open to yourself, you will not be afraid to admit unpleasant feelings or your shortcomings. You will prepare the perfect soil for self-respect and love. Then you will understand what really harms your quality of life and what helps you move to a higher level.

This is how you can truly love yourself and help others do the same. 

Well, maybe I'm underestimating you and you could teach me about self-love from a different angle? Then please leave a comment below. And tell me what you think. Because I'm still learning myself.

Wish to love yourself more,
Milena Koles

  1. So, if you want fake love, sonorous, uplifting or encouraging phrases - you are in the wrong place! You can find such advice in the tabloids, but not here on the Cloud Blog.

  2. I think you have heard about it.

  3. There are movements that talk about this addiction.

  4. And that explains why some of us post three selfies a day - it's nice to get some attention and another Kling sound from our smartphone.

  5. You can write everything down - pour your feelings into a notebook or computer.

  • I would call this kind of self-love as described in the article paternal self-love. We will be happier if we simply take full responsibility for ourselves: we will comfort, pamper, punish, educate, train ourselves, and most importantly, we will listen to ourselves - that is who we are and what we desire 🙂

    • That's exactly the kind of love I had in mind 🙂 I'm glad that the readers understood my point. We must love ourselves as an exemplary father/mother would love his child!

  • great article, thank you. I also agree that the most important thing is not to make excuses for yourself, but to tell yourself out loud what is really happening. let's live, dream, create and not be afraid, because our lives have nothing to do with what others do.

    • Naaa… You have ~a little~ in common. After all, what others do makes a difference! 😀

      (Only maybe not as big as it sometimes seems. 😉 )

  • Written by a woman, there is a lot of reflection on what women do and like to do, and what about men? It is not characteristic of them to rethink, relive (again, not in the sense of stressing) situations. Does it require extra effort for men?

    • Uncharacteristic? It's typical of me. I don't know about others. Is it really for all/most? 🙂

  • It's a wonderful article, everything is true, because it was my own experience. So often we obey other people's wishes, forgetting ourselves, and then we feel bad. There is something to think about and change something in our life. Thank you.

  • I feel undying pleasure in joining this wonderful discussion.

    The article is as always on TLDR, but I saw a few painted words there - it touched my heart, now I love my 112 kg even more, I hope it won't be long before I will be 113 kg, but if I gave it from the waist, you Daniel would have articles pouring out of your mouth - you would write twenty of them 😀 Good luck , don't stop writing, you inspire me to live and I don't want to die.

    If I was nothing before we crossed paths, we could share it with one woman, I bet - of course. I would give mine and her sister.

    Just for you,
    Your faithful Toad

    • …Part of your comment I didn't understand, Care, but that's all - I still like it. It has its own style. 😀

      And this article, it's true, was written by Milena Koles. I'll pass on the words! 😉

  • Great article, I discovered you by accident, thank you for being ☺ cloud, thank you for the positive ☺

  • Hello, everything in my life turned upside down after one sentence that I read "I wish you to become the person with whom you would want to spend your whole life". Since then, every day I tried to become like that. Today, I am that person. When I love myself, I can give love to others too, because they say that you can't give what you don't have yourself. Pamper yourself, enjoy yourself, be yourself. I sincerely wish you love yourself! Thanks for the article. Good luck!

    • It's wonderful to hear such good news 🙂 Good luck to you too, love and share love around.

    • How I would like to learn it, I know it is possible, but my baggage is so heavy, that old way of life

  • Hello, in the article "How I started to track my time" a very good idea was mentioned that evaluating yourself rationally can sometimes be the same as checking a mathematical problem over and over again with a broken calculator. After all, it is the same in this case, when we try to evaluate what we want and how we feel. After all, when you have to take on an impossible task, the brain automatically creates at least 5 very logical and rational reasons why that task can be postponed/changed/cancelled. And at that moment it seems to be exactly what we "really" want and how we feel. This is the question of how to rationally begin to evaluate yourself in this way and remains unanswered, because you will never be truly rational if you are rational to yourself.

    • Anyway, very good point, Charlie. Thank you. I wonder what Milena will comment on. But maybe then focusing on what you think you really want... Helps you not get distracted among a million alternatives? Because that's what happens, right? 🙂

    • Several things helped me start to rationalize myself.
      First of all, it took some courage, because I realized that being open to myself and not hiding behind pretexts and excuses, sometimes I will have to act in ways that I don't like. But I put up with it, because I realized that those things will help me "grow" and later it will still be good for my character.
      Second, I had to decide that I would live for myself and for the people close to me, my friends. Then it became much easier for me to find the real answers within myself, because I did not try to fit in with anyone, I was no longer constrained by the walls formed by society and I stopped being afraid of "what others will think". I was just looking for "myself", even if I didn't like something about myself or I wanted to do something wrong.
      And third, I looked for flaws in myself. Where we try to avoid something, we are probably afraid of something or we are not good and lazy to learn. Such situations are very common, from washing dishes to procrastinating important work. I was even addicted at one point, when I tried to find as many flaws as possible in myself that I would like to correct. And it was not scary at all to do that, because I decided to "raise myself" to a higher level, that is, to correct some of my faults.

      A friend recently made a good point that we don't like the qualities in other people that we don't like in ourselves. So it would be a great starting point from which you could start analyzing yourself - observe your surroundings and what annoys you and then answer yourself honestly "do I behave like this myself?" Good luck with your development 🙂

  • The article is really great, I partially agree, and partially I have how to love yourself, where to start to understand your feelings, thoughts, and how much a person loves himself just from one exercise that lasts no more than two minutes. Who cares about my fcb Just Lilija 😉

  • it's funny to hear such sayings "I love myself" - and stories about their beauty treatments - depilation, manicure, long sleep - begin.
    And that there is another part - nurturing yourself as a person - djin.
    I myself had to experience strange situations out of self-loathing. It seems that selfishness and egocentrism are bad, because after all, we are taught to help others, not to think about ourselves... But in fact, you have to think about yourself first in order to help someone else.

    Another thing that stuck out to me here: All of our emotions are legitimate. I had anger issues. He seemed to me an illegal emotion. It used to be like any illegal thing, but it was hidden somewhere, invisible. He didn't rush out, because it's rude. And she stayed inside and poisoned me herself. Instead of getting angry, I swallowed the anger that was building up. And still once erupted. Only uncontrollably and unexpectedly. Too much and out of time.

    Not punishing yourself for what you feel and how you feel is an important step towards self-love.

  • If I don't wash the dishes. I don't want to, so don't wash them? And if so day after day?

  • I believe that self-love begins first of all with the analysis of your thoughts. when you know what you want, what makes you feel happy, then you realize that doing what makes you happy and loving yourself will satisfy your happiness craving.

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