[Letter] An excuse for forcing you to love me

365 texts love

Goal of the day: 242 words. Written: 1141.

Hi Simona,

I am writing right here, because these letters are related. I woke up with a strange dream about peanut butter and cake factories... And, well, I don't know if you need it, but I just want to explain why I'm putting you under so much psychological pressure right now (and in the past). Why I am abusing you.

Are you interested?

For a moment, I will imagine her nodding in silence, lips pressed together. As you often do.

* * *

I understand that my pressure is not much fun for you. That it is unpleasant for you. That you find it harder and harder with every translation I do... And that you don't want to do anything with me. It is inevitable.

If I could see (and maybe have) another way, I would choose it. But that's the point: I don't see it.
I don't see.

We've been in touch for three months now, and I've opened up to you more and less. Because I felt... That nice feeling when someone else is interested and cares about what you say. In those days, I must have been getting more and more into you...

I used to be interested in listening to you. Even more interesting than talking about myself. I had fun playing games with you, calling each other losers and just enjoying the moment. A moment!

But then there are days when those moments disappear without knowing why or where.

And I don't understand. I get lost. I'm no longer able to feel free and enjoy what I have... I guess, as you say, I'll find myself. But that doesn't explain why I'm putting pressure on you.

* * *

You know, when I write this letter, I try not to go too deeply into and think too much about what has already been thought. I hope I will be able to do that.

  • Why am I making you choose?
  • What do I expect from your answer?
  • How will I accept your answer?
  • Do I expect you to answer at all?

And other questions like that must be going around in your head, right? I'll try to answer them.

* After a few minutes of pause. *

OK, I guess it's still hard for me not to think. Let me breathe in, breathe out... And I'll write as if I were talking.

Sima... Now I feel as if I am behaving like a little child, wanting attention and concreteness in the world. But don't take it as coercion, take it as... sincerity. Openness.

You know, when I first met you on the first day of September at Vilnius Station, reading a book on a bench in the waiting area... I must have fallen in love with you at first sight.

I don't know why, I don't know how... But I could feel it. That tiny spark. And even though our meeting was so average, I liked it.

When I returned home to Kaunas, I could no longer get you out of my head. I couldn't, no matter what. I asked my friends what was happening to me... What should I do.

Should I meet you for the second time and kiss you, or should I forget about it until I get back from the Czech Republic and then pick up where I left off.

After taking my friends' advice (and my own wishes), I did meet for the second time. And kissed.

And that day, for the first time, I felt uncertainty. You were the first girl who reacted to my kiss in such a way... repulsive, cold and incomprehensible. And I got lost, I didn't understand anything... I think I wrote a similar letter then - I don't know. I thought then that it was just your specific way of communicating. That you were as cautious as a cat and as clever as a sparrow.

...But after I left, these rollercoasters of uncertainty kept appearing and disappearing. I would ask you directly and you would run away. I asked abstract questions and you didn't answer. I didn't ask anything... And still I felt uncomfortable in my heart.

(God, I'd tell you all this live if I could. It's getting better, isn't it?)

* Pauses again. *

Over the last months, I've been able to slowly peel back the layers of paint and wallpaper and see what murals are hiding on your inner walls... Although you weren't very open and giving... You've been opening up, though.

But I don't understand, Simona, do you ever want to open up... Well, I don't know? To heaven and beyond?

Do you even want and feel that unstoppable feeling in your heart when you love and want to be with your loved one and do fun things... But you don't know why?

I don't get it.

I don't realise it and it torments me. For almost four months now.

* She goes and puts on a sweater because for some reason it's getting chilly. *

Yes, I will admit it. I am in love. In love with you.

And, my God, how I want you to love me.

Somehow, I have allowed you to occupy a large part of my life. The first thoughts in the morning and the last thoughts before going to sleep. And sometimes in between.

Because of you, I can change my plans. To arrive in Vilnius in the middle of the night. Giving gifts and planning holidays. To be better than I am... And to accept what you give me.

Yes - I am crazy.

But I'm also a lunatic in love, so it all seems natural to me. Seriously. I could do otherwise, but I don't want to at all!

The desire to be together burns in my heart.

And tell him what you want - don't think, don't do, don't expect, don't be so-and-so... But do you think he's listening?

He squints for a moment and looks up at the sun peeking out from behind the zeppelin-coloured clouds. The cold winter sun shines just as brightly as in summer.

But here it is.

My heart tells me: "Be together, Daniel, or not at all. Do the best you can."

And I'm doing the best I can.

If the answer is not obvious and I don't see it, I ask it directly. I force it, because I can't do it any other way... Somehow.

* There is a pause. *

I don't understand you. I don't see you or even see you.

So I ask: And what do you feel? What do you feel?

Do you feel a burning desire to be together, despite such abuses from me? Or do you not want to be there because, say, I have ugly accents or live in Kaunas? Or do you not know and understand anything yourself?

* She smiles. *

And you know... I just want an answer - whether you want it badly or not at all.

A similar decision, as I do with all the things, jobs, goals, pastimes and people in my life - asking myself whether I want it or not. And if I don't want it or if I don't know (and, most importantly, if I don't know for a long time), then I give it up.

It is, after all, the principle of simple living: Have less. The less you have, the more you can concentrate. The more you can concentrate, the more you can achieve.

I'm sure it would help you, too. Look - answer "no" or "I don't know" (it seems to me that you haven't known since September), and there you go - you've got rid of me as a problem. Say "yes" and there you go, enjoying all the joy of the journey, the discovery, the transformation and the revelations.

And no matter what you say: I encourage you to apply this principle in all your life. Because it works so well.

* There is a pause. *

But, lo and behold, I'm raping you again. I'm sorry... I know how painful this is... Or maybe it's just pushing you away and putting your wall even higher.

I dig my own hole and you build a high wall.

* Listens to the song.*

If I knew what to do better, I would do it. But I don't. Sorry about that.

* * *

And so... I feel like I've missed out on so much, I feel like I could write and write and write. But today I will have to finish the letter.

If you want me to expand on something, say something differently, or if you don't understand something, just say so and I'll write to you. I love writing to you. Especially when I know you are reading.

Oh, and me? And what would I say to my own question?

I would say yes, I want to continue the adventure with you. I want to do a million and a half crazy things and three million not so crazy but still fun things.

But don't think that I am trying to influence your answer and your feelings in any way. I don't want you to be affected by the environment. I only want you, influenced by yourself... Well, and maybe your best friends and family - your mother.

And now again - until Wednesday! I hope your work is going well.



Leave a Reply

Leave a comment. Anonymously.