Five love languages: How to understand + learn your love language?

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Some people are hard to understand. You give them all your attention and you spit on them. But for other people, you don't even have to try and connect with them naturally.

Why is that? 😮

Is it because some people are destined to get along like zeppelins with a Lithuanian stomach, 1 and for others, good relationships are simply not destined?

Well, actually, no. Fate has nothing to do with it.

And if you consider your loved one to be "given by fate" or write off a bad relationship with your parents on the signs of your horoscope... It's time to stop doing that. Better to rely on the science of psychology.

Five love languages and who invented them?

What if I told you that there are five types of people? All. Children, grandparents, adults and even those teenagers whose hormones twist different parts of their bodies? 2 Five types. You are one of them. What do you think?

You may react in one of the following ways:

  1. You would think me a complete fool, for it is impossible;
  2. You would consider me a genius for finding some hidden human DNA code.

But your best reaction would have been a mixture of the two.

"Five Love Languages" is a book that was written 24 years ago and is still somewhere around the bestseller list. 3 It was written by a pastor and an interpersonal therapist Gary Chapman. He created the idea of five love languages.

I say "created" and not "discovered" because Gary Chapman is not, and never was, a psychologist. What is even more interesting is that he has not done any research on these love languages. And this is unusual in the world of popular psychology books.

Instead, knowledge about love languages has been gathered by talking to perfectly compatible couples and studying how they communicate.

Similarly, as the Lithuanian psychologist Lina Vėželienė repeats now. 4

There is almost no scientific research on the five love languages. The closest we've had to research is a 2006 analysis by Nichole Egbert of several previous studies that showed a link between language and reality. Unclear, but it's there. 5

And this is quite interesting - it seems that languages exist, but why - no one can explain.

This five love languages model seems to work. But as images showing how different our perceptions of love are and how to communicate our love to others in their language. It will likely help you as it helped me in my relationship.

So, if you wish to…

  • Strengthen existing relationships with people important to you;
  • To restore lost relationships and try to build them better;
  • Find a way to approach and like another person;
  • To find out why sometimes others do not understand your attention;
  • Do you realize how you might not be paying attention to others?

...Read on.

Let me tell you about five love languages and why, really, it's nothing new. Your parents and grandparents probably already know these languages. You just had to find out.

Yes, I would fold this frog. // Photo author: Vi Kontrimaitė

What are the five love languages?

It is said that we all speak these languages. And yes, if you're wondering - we speak more than one language and we can learn them even if we have never learned them.

1) Time together.

Have you seen couples or groups of friends who come to a coffee shop as a group, order coffee and then separately read magazines, work on the computer or phone?

Or, for example, couples for whom at least once a week is extremely important 6 sit down to watch a movie together, cook dinner in the kitchen or do something else together?

These people value time together.

And yes, including friends sitting together in a cafe, but engrossed in their phones. On Facebook, I recently saw a long-running complaint from a woman about such behavior. However, this is only the language of love and friendship between these friends.

For this type of people, the most important thing is that you are together.

2) Touches.

Yes, those two characters in the back of the cafe, stuck together and licking each other like kittens. Or, if you enjoy touching another person, that's you.

It is important to note that touching does not equal sex. For some 7 touch may seem very important to them. When really, it's just a natural need to express yourself through sex.

Touches can be varied.

For example, a dad who likes to put his hand on his child's shoulder when talking to him probably values touch. Or the wife who always wants to be the little spoon in bed, probably likes touch too.

For such people, the best gift is a sincere hug, handshake, a friendly nudge on the side or a peck on the cheek. Touch is important to them.

3) Gifts.

Aha, her! Mostly in the form of an object, but can also be virtual 8 - it is important to give.

And don't assume that everyone likes gifts.

Just like the first two languages, this one is not equally acceptable and understood by everyone. For example, I hate gifts. I never liked it and I don't like it today. 9

But others are important. Even if the gifts are not very useful. For example, Marge Simpson likes the car oil that Homer gives her. 10

Basically, if you want to show love to these people, don't spare money, time or ingenuity in creating gifts. It can be a pine cone from a beautiful forest and an interesting book.

4) Help.

This is probably the most important language for my parents (or at least the most important for my mother), because they always want to help others and appreciate being helped. 11

Job support can be as diverse as the jobs themselves.

I can advise you to look at other people. And if you don't need help or if others don't appreciate yours - understand them; it's natural.

When communicating with people who need help, try to give them that help. Or, if you want to take the burden off yourself, then emphasize that, say, "This gadget will help you a lot" or "This person will help you."

5) Words of support.

It's everything that comes out of the mouth (or written letters) and gets into the ears (or eyes) of others... Eh... Well, maybe it sounds a little crazy. Forget this metaphor. 12

Personally, this is probably the most important language for me. Words of encouragement have always been important to me, whether they are full of information or just "You can, I believe in you."

How to say a supportive word to others? Well, yes:

  1. You find a reason to say it. An exhortation or a compliment without a reason when repeated is worthless.
  2. Tell me what you think. Bonus points for positivity.

The important part is not to repeat words of support over and over and say them "because it needs to be said." This, as I myself notice, repels.

This is why I hate motivational quotes on Facebook so much because they are not meant to be personal. They are designed to attract more buyers. Quotes on a shared Facebook wall are a mockery of words of support. As is constant positivity without criticism. 13

So - for people who like words, give these sweets like a child: not every day and not always the same.

The most important thing in love is sincerity.

However, you should have already noticed the general requirement of these love languages. No matter how you express your attention to another, it must be sincere.

  1. Gifts just because someone is close to death in one year are not as valuable as unexpected ones.
  2. Time is most valuable when someone else needs it, not you.
  3. Supportive words are best when there is a real reason to say them.
  4. Help is best when asked for and given with focus.
  5. Touches - when touching is really nice. 14

Don't do something just because you have to. Do it because you want to. Don't show love in a way that is normal for you, show it in a way that is perceived by the other person.

Here I recommend reading the following two additions:

It's... What's my love language? And what do other people speak?

It is important to understand that we do not have only one single love language. We naturally speak several languages. The question is which ones.

Here, for example, words of support and time together are most important to me. But for my parents - help with work and gifts. But it's natural that we don't speak all the love languages because we are different. It's important to understand that what works for you may not work for someone else.

So, there are two ways to find out your language:

  1. Watch yourself, what you like. Read the listed languages again and see which two suit you best. Which two are the least?
  2. Take a small test online, on the official page of the book.

You can use both methods. Personally, I trust the tests more because they don't use the horoscope principle - everything doesn't seem to fit.

Other people can observe or be encouraged to take this test.

My friend Giedrė suggested this test to her mother. And discovered that, under the thunderstorms, their languages simply did not match. Then both realized how to improve their relationship. And it did. 15 Another friend, by the way, also Giedrė... She offered this to her husband. The relationship began to improve after realizing that they disagreed not because of fate, but because they did not understand each other's differences.

Both Giedres checked their love languages and those of their loved ones. And it immediately became clear to them why the relationship was so bad before the discovery of the Five Languages. With the new knowledge, they were able to strengthen their relationship.

Why am I talking about love languages?

But I do not tell about these speeches simply because I have nothing more to say. This story is a bit more personal.

Three years ago I was with a girl. In a couple. She was a fantastic girl and I loved her accordingly. Unfortunately, the relationship did not end happily. We broke up in Turkey, during our "holiday". After about a month of silent war, getting into an increasingly obvious "something is wrong" relationship vortex.

Now that I think about it, we broke up for ridiculous reasons. Just because we didn't even try to learn each other's love languages.

Only now do I realize how different our languages were:

  1. Miletus 16 Magnets, figurines and other junk were always brought back from my travels.
  2. I used to think - why is she giving me those worthless souvenirs?
  3. She would get very upset if I didn't bring her something myself.
  4. It didn't seem to matter to me at all.
  5. I longed for words of support.
  6. At best, she would peck him on the cheek instead.
  7. I was suffocated by her constant sitting on Facebook.
  8. And it seemed normal to her.

...And so on. Basically, the connection between us was probably born just because we were beautiful to each other and liked to sleep together. But not more.

So, it's not surprising that we broke up without understanding each other's languages. After a good start, the relationship fell apart. Until finally the lack of love killed the connection. It was a lack of sincere, generous love. After all, we loved, but we forgot that something else was important to the other.


Well, on the other hand, my current relationships with the dearest people are better. Not only with girls, but also with parents and grandparents. I give them help, I don't take offense when they give me something, that's why our bond has become stronger.

It was the girl I mentioned who inspired me to buy this book. The book reminded me of a relationship.

So what now? How to use the knowledge of the five love languages?

If you want to restore an old relationship - look, maybe you lost it because your languages didn't match and you both didn't understand it?

If you want to strengthen the existing ones, do the same. Look at how you express your love. See how others express theirs. And try to learn each other's languages. Starting, of course, with yourself. 17

Love languages are not magic. New languages can be learned.

Our relationship is not determined by fate, horoscopes or moon phases. They are determined by our actions. Do we show our love in a way that others can understand? And do we show it honestly? It is important.

And now, the task for you:

  1. Check your love languages. Analyze yourself or Take the test.
  2. And then write in the comments below which language is most important to you.

This way you can compare yourself with others and make sure that we are different. And you will also find out, if you haven't figured out yet, what your love language is.

So how do you love?

P.S Maniškės are time together and touches. And I don't understand gifts, seriously. If you want to give me something, it's better if it's not food. 🤤

  1. It is said that Lithuanian babies can be found in a zeppelin pot. Or maybe it is not said. I don't know, I just made it up here.

  2. Brain, I'm all about brain.

  3. Published in Lithuanian as "Five Love Languages", in the original English as The 5 Love Languages and still has today dozens of customized versions.

  4. She is a psychotherapist and psychologist who writes the blog Living Psychology. She told more about her research in the article "Do people speak different love languages?".

  5. Read her research Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman's (1992) Five Love Languages.

  6. Or better yet more often. Every day! Every day!

  7. No, not just for men, don't be sexist.

  8. For example, I once gave my brother a voucher for Steam games.

  9. So don't give me cups because I'll give them to my parents. They already have several. 🙂

  10. I can't remember which one of the series in the episode it happens. If you remember - write, I will add it here!

  11. At the same time, it annoys me, because dad offers to help in everything, and for me that help is with work... Eh, for what? I like to learn by myself!

  12. I remembered Aliens movie series...

  13. I mentioned this in the article "Inspiration is a drug".

  14. No, "I'll let you hug me" isn't sincere. Like similar self-harm. If you don't want to, say you don't want to. Let him understand you.

  15. Now their mother-daughter relationship has improved 134 degrees. The relationship became more sincere, more open, more friendly.

  16. No, not Milena.

  17. Because there is no love if you wait for the other to do something first. Only selfishness.

  • As always, I enjoyed reading your work - it is perfectly "polished" between those languages. Unfortunately, it is no longer relevant to me, I have lived too long. Well, unless the gifts and help come in handy (you will understand when you reach a certain stage in life, after many uncertainties and betrayals)…

  • The test showed that the most important thing for me is help, although I thought it was time together. I think the article was useful 😀

  • Quality time together - 1st place, words of support - 2nd place. I already suspected a similar result while reading the article. Thanks, it was interesting!

  • Time together, words of support. Like the author, unexpected gifts are the sweetest for me, without occasion and little things, but not practical 🙂 things.
    But the most important thing is SINCERENESS.

  • The book "five love languages" was one of the few that made me cry for a long time after reading it. Only then did I understand that my love language is touch. Only then did I realize that my marriage fell apart because I didn't know myself and I didn't know these simple truths about love languages. My husband loved me madly, took care of me, brought coffee to bed in the mornings, brought the children back from kindergarten, did laundry, etc. and I was unhappy. I felt emotionally hungry, I just didn't understand why. This book helped me to understand that my "ice queen" pose is a childhood trauma, when you are always emotionally hungry, you are thirsty for touch and you don't even know it. Turns out I was just wearing such hard armor that I wouldn't get hurt, and the armor froze my feelings. I think you should talk about the main Meike languages in primary classes and come back to them again and again, with a deeper and deeper context.

  • Daniel. Thank you very much for the article. I think that my love language is touch and support. I will try to apply the knowledge I have received in my life and work. I wish you success and happiness.

  • I think that the most important thing for me personally is time together and words of support. And the text made me think that if you delve more into it, you can fix your relationships with your loved ones, it inspired me to want to do it❤️

  • Touches/Words of Support as I expected. I have heard about these love languages, but I didn't pay much attention to them. I think the bigger problem is that people don't know how to say what they like and expect others to guess.

    • The real truth for having the courage to tell others! It can be scary to open up about your true desires to someone else, but it's necessary to do so in the name of a more genuine relationship. Even if the desires are "very strange" or "abnormal". That's why I agree! 🙂

  • Great article and helpful link! Strangely, this idea about languages just kills the idea of "The one and only" raised by romanticism. I think I learned something useful from this short article - we carry the ability and possibility to love "every" person, we just need to have the desire to pick up his/her language dictionary. Thank you! After recognizing myself as I was (my language is touch, quality time together), now I will be able to better understand the other, love in such a way that he feels truly loved 🙂

  • Time together and words of support are important to me. And I also don't like receiving gifts, it's probably more fun for me to make someone else happy with them if he likes it. And the article is very excellent

  • According to the test 1. Help, 2. Time together, 3. Touches. Those three are close, and the other two are less important. There were disagreements with my ex, but we spent time together, shared hobbies, he helped me finish my studies, there were touches, everything is fine, everyone is happy. However, as soon as I went abroad, those disagreements took over and there was no time together, no touching, and there was no one to help each other, so the relationship cooled and we broke up, although we remained good friends. I fell in love with someone else abroad, the child's father, but the relationship never happened. He helped me a little, but the time together practically did not exist, which is why I constantly complained, and when there is no such thing, the touches are quite rare, and those "you are great, you are a good girl, I appreciate you" did not warm me at all. For his part, he is unhappy that I do not give him any words of support. And I can't turn my tongue and say it, because I don't feel safe and loved, because we don't spend time together!

  • And I was surprised how the author did not notice the 6th love language - dressing up. Throw a rock at me if you don't know couples who broke up because one partner (or both) became "aesthetically negligent".

  • Already during the test, I felt bad about myself, because I was a bit materialistic. I am 27.
    1. Receive gifts. specifically about the expensive ones, I was thinking of a new PS5, maybe when I fall in love I won't care about gifts anymore.
    2. Touch
    3. Time together.

    Bonus, how I hate to show love:
    1. By gifts. Even worse, I feel like a cheapskate.
    2. In words

  • Very good review. I gave the book to a friend, but I feel I need it more for myself 😁

    • I think it will make a great gift. Especially when you can borrow more in a month, clever 😁

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