what do i feel
In this moment, with my girlfriend sleeping next to me, curled up in a ball, I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling.
do i love her
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself, because I still feel some vague doubts?
what do i feel
Just a moment ago I read several articles that said: The most important thing is to love yourself and take care of yourself; don't worry about the other person; relationships are born when others want it, not you.
I remember my past relationships.
An eerie relationship. Maybe not eerie, but somewhat similar - a thin twenty-year-old girl who does not know how to express her thoughts and resolves disputes in silence. A girl who I doubt is mature for a relationship. The one who is so amazing in the moments of attention, and in other moments, I don't know what kind.
Similar to me.
I don't know, Elena, it's hard for me.
I'm afraid.
I worry.
I do not know.
I'm afraid because... Pala. Don't you? …Am I afraid of arguments because I want to save my nice ass? Probably.
I'm worried because I don't know how you're doing and you're so quiet so often. After all, I met you as that girl who talks a lot, and why is there so much silence?
It's not an accusation, it's true. Just a confusing question.
I don't know because I don't know what I feel right now.
Nice to watch you. Sleeping, snoring deeply, your eyes are closed and your mouth is slightly open - I can also see white teeth.
It's nice to know that you are next to me: a lump of flesh, muscle, blood, fat and other carbon compounds. A life form that looks like me.
It's nice to remember where we are similar.
I don't know why, but I'm worried about your health - it's important to me that you're healthy and happy.
Why are you worried?
I don't know? Because it's fun?
Excuse me, my thoughts are still confused - you see, I don't know what I'm talking about.
And I should read more about that self-love.
Maybe I care about you too much? Maybe I should put up and spit, take better care of myself and go back to Kaunas? Maybe this worry is choking you too?
Why do I care about you?
Is it just because you're an adorable little girl and I'm in Daddy-Husband mode?
Or maybe it's that terrible feeling called love?
(I write this in lower case as an allusion to your penchant for writing words with unusual letters.)
*gasps*
I probably need to grow up. In myself, in relationships and to grow up together with you. But probably most with the idea that I know you now.
It's scary. Everything I write now is scary - that's why I write it, where I can think about each word for a few moments and they are not interrupted by your angry facial expressions or "Daniel, I'm going to sleep, don't disturb me".
…Sorry, that was probably a bit passive-aggressive. I just felt it myself. But seriously, if I want to talk, please listen to me. Because words simply cannot express all of this.
I probably need to grow up.
And calm down.
Everything will be fine.
I will learn to know you, in time I will stop worrying about what you think about me at any moment.
I will be able to be a calm, confident creator. How I was on our first date. And to charm you again.
*pause*
It's fun to touch you. I just did it and patted your face.
And passion boils in me - I want to have sex with you probably all the time. Almost. And the desire that you pay attention to me and invite me to the dance first probably excites me as much as it excited me during the first meeting.
You might have made a mistake suggesting we sleep over the first/second night if your libido is really low. Big mistake. Because I don't know what's going on and whether I should tempt you at all - you already say "no" too often.
*pause*
I hope that in time I will learn not to care about you and be happy. That I will learn to accept your attention as much as you give it, and not try to get it again and again and again.
I hope that in time I will learn to be happy when I am with you.
Because now I'm just not like that sometimes.
Well, I don't get that feeling. Those lights. Because I'm still too worried if you really like me.
When reading about building strong friendships,
Writing next to you sleeping,
D.