Goal of the day: 1468 words. Written: 984.
What do you feel, Daniel?
Baima. Anxiety.
What is more accurate?
Well... I feel like... I don't know, can I tell you everything?
Yes, you can! Go ahead, no one will judge you here.
That's when I feel self-distrust. And fear about my relationship with Elena.
Who is Elena?
She's a girl I met about a month and a half ago, and then she caught my eye. Unexpectedly, maybe a bit quickly, but still kindly and with me in control of the situation, she said yes to my request to mate and we are now a couple.
It's uncomfortable and difficult for you to talk about relationships, isn't it?
Do you see? Yes, it's hard. I don't have the words to describe it. I'm a little short of them and... It's kind of scary. Is this the kind of relationship that will last?
Expand?
Well, my dating has always been of two kinds: a) The kind where it starts and stays friendly (for a long time), and b) The kind where it starts romantically and then slowly falls apart. Isn't it gradually.
Are you afraid of the collapse of your relationship with Elena?
Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid it will be like Milena again. Phew, Mileta. I'm mixing up the names.
Take your time, don't be nervous, I'm listening.
So here I am, afraid that something similar will happen again. A great love and connection at the beginning, and then six months later, the patience to do something has run out. It's strange, but I already feel that rare disagreement and misunderstanding with Elena. ...Even though her care is so charming...
Do you also have good feelings for Elena?
Aha - her concern, her words of support and her supportive touches are very important to me. I don't know if it's important, but it's really nice. ...Hm, yes, nice. It's nice to have her as a companion, as a supportive muse.
But is there something wrong sometimes?
Yes, sometimes things go wrong. Maybe it's my lack of self-confidence...
...Or something else. Let's not prescribe more diseases so quickly.
Well, yes, or something else. In a word, sometimes I find it difficult to talk to her and show her my feelings. Sometimes she doesn't understand them - she takes humour as a real statement, and to an important pain she says, "You have to sort it out yourself, I'm not going to help you".
Did she say that?
No, he probably didn't. At least I don't remember. Just paraphrasing.
Perhaps your paraphrasing is causing damage here? Or could it be that you don't understand Elena's feelings?
Hm... Yes, it could be! That's why I'm making a sincere effort when I talk to her...
Something wrong?
...Yes, I remembered what I was thinking earlier. I am trying so hard to communicate in the language of her feelings and worry about how she is feeling that I might forget myself. For example, at this moment I am thinking what she would do if she were to read these words. And I had thought that this over-concern is what makes her not to care about me in the first place, because I am always there, whether she tries hard or not. All I have to do is tell her it's bad and I'm there. Like with a child.
Have we struck a sensitive note in a relationship?
I see. I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes. Making lots of compromises for her. Giving her time that I could be giving to work (which is not a bad thing, Stephen King said that "Life is not a support system for writing, writing is a support system for life" - life is more important than work), giving her attention to fulfilling her desires. Trying to help her with touches, with good sex, with ideas for interesting and new activities... And not knowing what to get back.
Feel like you're not getting enough?
It is said that the most important thing in a good relationship is when the couple have no expectations of each other. I read this on Tiny Buddha today.
That does not answer the question.
Yes, I feel like I'm not getting enough. But I'm also scared - I shouldn't want that, should I?
I can't give you answers, I can only ask questions. What do you think you need most right now?
I don't know. Probably to be with myself and to get a sign from Elena that I'm really important to her-
Do you really think it's best to wait for Elena to say you're worthy of her?
...Uhh. Now that you say that... Maybe it's not a good idea to keep waiting for support from another person. Perhaps you should then focus more on yourself, as the Tiny Buddha stories advise, and continue to trust your own abilities.
How could you do it?
I don't know.
What else, then, can you do?
I can then confess to Elena that sometimes I am not so confident and sometimes I become that little Daniel again, who always needs attention and support. "Are you okay? Is it that good? Do you like me? What do you think now? Do you like me more now? Do you love me? Will we make love? Do you want to stay a couple?" Not trying to get something out of her, but just. I fall for this Daniel sometimes. Sometimes I trust him completely, but sometimes I fall. And one of those lows is now. Just. I think because she loves me, and she said that... Pala, I'm even starting to kind of trust myself more *laughs*.
Go on *smiles*.
I think, because she loves me, she will understand. And if she doesn't, it will be clearer to me whether-
Oi. Do you really think it's a good idea to put such conditions before the question? Have you forgotten what you wrote in your article "Why it is important not to expect anything"?
Hm. Right. Maybe I won't ask with any conditions then. Oh, I mean, I'm getting a bit sleepy - I won't ask with conditions. But just as a confession. Like a confession that I slept with another girl the night of Friday to Wednesday.
...You slept with another girl - not Elena?
Yes, of course! There were many of them. In fact, I haven't slept in the month and a half that I've known her. And I don't intend to break it - I know how much it would hurt me if she slept with one of the guys who hangs around her. Fui...
Do I sense jealousy in your voice?
Yes, a little. I feel jealous. She's my girlfriend, damn it! And I hope that some idiots with semen-clamped balls don't do something bad to her at one of those parties - rape her or something. Knowing her, she might spontaneously, yes, come up with something... But I'm sure not sleeping over. Probably.
Hm. You sound a little uncertain again.
I see. I don't know that about her yet, I haven't asked *smiles*. But wait, how did the topic get to this?
Slowly, it's moved on *laughs*. So how do you feel now? Do you still feel something bad in yourself? Maybe there is something else going on?
No, it seems nothing. I just need to focus on my work again, create something fantastic, do something crazy (maybe go geocaching tomorrow?) and I'll be fine. Also to tell Elena my trouble, that sometimes I feel weak, but that it goes away if I can get out of my comfort zone and overcome. And now I would probably just like to sleep. In the city, outside the window, cars are already moving to their morning jobs. It is time for me to go to bed too.