I just wanted to love.
That's all I wanted.
Love. To give. To sparkle.
* * *
Not long ago, I wrote a letter to a girl I had fallen in love with without believing it myself. Well, more like infatuated. In my letter to her, I was answering my own question - what is love?
I gave her three answers.
...But none of them were real. The one I really believed in. I kept my answer quiet.
Why? I don't know. I can only guess that maybe I was afraid to say too much. Maybe I was afraid to say something that would hurt in the future. Maybe I didn't want to prolong a letter that was already a record length...
Although... I guess I was afraid. Yes. Because in that moment I was again overwhelmed by the Feeling of Hopelessness.
* * *
Sometimes, in the middle of my work, I unplug my headphones and turn on epic, thought-provoking music... Then I fall back on my bed, close my eyes and dream.
Just like I am doing right now. I am lying down. I breathe all the air out of my lungs, I throw away extraneous thoughts... And I let the ideas go where they want to go.
I close my eyes.
I'm listening to the "Game of Thrones" soundtrack, "Warrior of Light". The air is heavy but odourless, and the bed is soft as it should be. I can barely see the light from the table lamp through my closed eyelids, but I am no longer distracted.
I was back in my childish body. I feel open, simple and sincere. I dream.
...That I love a girl.
And then, after I don't know how many minutes, I look up again.
* * *
Although I have not looked into the scientific basis for this, I have read that there are three types of people in the world: the Takers, the Givers and the Adapters. And there is no bad type, according to that text.
1) Takers - those who take. They want a lot and want more. If you give, they will take, because not taking would be foolish.
These people are born to be entrepreneurs and live quiet lives. They will always get what they want. They see opportunities everywhere and will always seize them.
2) Givers - those who give. They share themselves and their possessions because that is the only joy they see. If you ask, they will give, because it is foolish not to.
These people were born to be teachers, doctors, actors, policemen and other do-gooders. They see no point in preserving what others can put to better use. They will give anything if they see that you need it.
3) Adaptable - those who seek equality. If you give, they will give. If you take, they will take.
These people were born to be... well, the most orderly and perhaps the best kind of people. They will never demand too much. And they'll never torture themselves by giving too much.
* * *
All I wanted was to love.
To embrace her - the dream girl... And be together.
Don't fuck like in those romantic movies. Not to make out like I sometimes see young couples in parks. Not even holding hands, like I see old couples in supermarkets.
Just hug her. On this dark day and light night. To lie naked, covered only by the thinnest blanket. And be together.
To talk and know that she is listening. To be silent and know that she will speak.
* * *
In my dreams, it was always you.
Yes, you did. The girl who gives.
A girl who doesn't count, who sees when others give and says "thank you". Who is brave. Brave enough to love and to be open.
I saw you in my dreams. We were sitting in a café, on the edge of a bed, in the stairwell of your house, under a pine tree in the woods, on a bench in a park or on an empty trolleybus.
I smiled at you. You smiled at me twice.
I used to write you letters. You answered them.
I made you breakfast. And you made me dinner.
We read books. We lay hugging. Naked. On that hot summer night. We played chess. You told me about your childhood. I told you about what I feared most in the world.
I know that these dreams are vague and one-sided... But I saw it.
We loved each other. Later on, we may have even divorced. But even during the divorce we remained open. Just as we are only open with the people we care about most.
* * *
In my letter, I withheld the answer, which I consider to be correct. The answer is what I call true love.
There are more flavours of love than there are recipes in the world. And it depends not only on the outside - who we are with, where, when and how - but also on our own attitude.
And my belief is... Love is giving.
Christians would be proud of me. They would say, "Behold, I bear the true word of Christ. But I do not say this because I am religious.
...It's just a belief influenced by my taste buds. This is how I perceive love. This is how I show it to others. It's how I act when I fall in love.
* * *
I'll admit - I may be a silly, too-quick-to-get-it-on romantic. This is my weak point. One of many.
But when I fall in love, I can no longer control myself. It becomes difficult and unpleasant... And often I don't see the point.
When I fall in love, I give as much as I can.
Instead of sitting on Facebook, I write emails like this one. Instead of sleeping, I drive to you, even though you live a hundred and twenty kilometres away. Instead of counting what I get... I forget to do that.
But it all comes to an end. That feeling of hopelessness comes.
How does it feel, you ask? I'll answer: it's the feeling that I'm giving and trying for nothing. That the thing I do best... It doesn't help at all.
Suddenly, there comes a day when you don't say "thank you" to me anymore. You didn't write to me first. You no longer pay attention to my gifts. You do not say a word. You do not show the slightest emotion.
Then I feel like you don't care.
I feel hurt and exhausted. To protect myself, I force myself to count what I give... And I don't like it at all, at all. I would rather not give at all.
Suddenly, I don't feel like myself anymore.
* * *
When I close my eyes, I dream that I am open.
All my life I was taught - don't be open, don't say what you think, don't be yourself, be better than you are. That is the only way to become better than others. That is the only way to achieve something.
But the further I go, the more I realise that it is nice to be open. After all, telling and showing the truth is the same as showing the innermost recesses of my mind.
When I close my eyes, I become open. I become as transparent as a falling deer or doe tear. I become myself.
* * *
All I wanted was to love you.
To be with you.
To raise flames and sparkle, like the sparkle of a sword rubbing against a revolving whetstone.
I wanted to travel with you. Not just through strange countries, but through our lives. I wanted to grow and learn with you. To be a force for change.
To be. To live. To play.
* * *
I am a giving person.
It's my way.
I like to share, to teach, to help those in need. I like to do it because if I didn't, I wouldn't see any point in living.
I like it when they take from me and say "thank you". Because I always say it - even if the help didn't help much.
I love to see people grow and develop. How they find other people like the ones I told you about. I like to see them become happy.
It's my way.
* * *
I just wanted to love.
Live openly and be pure.
Love. To give. To sparkle.