\u0160\u012b v\u0113stule \u2013 domu straume \u2013 tapusi pirms k\u0101diem 2 gadiem. Es to atradu sav\u0101 dator\u0101 vec\u0101 OneNote piez\u012bmju gr\u0101mati\u0146\u0101. \u0160eit es pied\u0101v\u0101ju divreiz sa\u012bsin\u0101tu un sak\u0101rtotu tekstu. Pirms diviem gadiem man s\u0101p\u0113ja, un tagad ir pat\u012bkami to atcer\u0113ties!<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
\u0160odien pamodos ar saj\u016btu, it k\u0101 virs manis plais\u0101tu stikla griesti... Un no aug\u0161as vispirms l\u0101s\u0113s, tad straum\u0113m n\u0101ktu \u016bdens vilnis.<\/p>\n
Es pamodos ar saj\u016btu\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2026Cik d\u012bvaini.<\/p>\n
Panika.<\/strong><\/p>\n Es pamodos ar paniku. Bailes.<\/p>\n Es nesaprotu, kas ar mani notiek. Vien\u0101 mirkl\u012b pazaud\u0113ju p\u0101rliec\u012bbu par saviem sp\u0113kiem, sev, citiem cilv\u0113kiem... Re\u0101li un pasaulei. Ar sav\u0101m v\u0113lm\u0113m, uzskatiem, visu.<\/p>\n Man \u0161\u0137iet, ka es t\u016bl\u012bt nomir\u0161u.<\/p>\n Es neko nesaprotu.<\/p>\n Nekas.<\/p>\n ES neko nev\u0113los.<\/p>\n Tikai miers.<\/p>\n Kas ar mani notiek?<\/p>\n es nesaprotu.<\/p>\n Piln\u012bgi noteikti.<\/p>\n Es gribu piedzerties.<\/p>\n Lai gan es princip\u0101 nedzeru.<\/p>\n Es gribu sm\u0113\u0137\u0113t z\u0101li t\u0101pat k\u0101 citi cilv\u0113ki.<\/p>\n Lai gan princip\u0101 es negribu piedzerties.<\/p>\n Es nev\u0113los aiz\u0113not savas domas.<\/p>\n Es nev\u0113los rad\u012bt sev m\u0101ksl\u012bgu vieglumu.<\/p>\n Es negribu m\u012bl\u0113t, jo esmu piedz\u0113ries.<\/p>\n Es nev\u0113los run\u0101t, jo nekontrol\u0113ju savu m\u0113li.<\/p>\n Nu j\u0101 \u2013 t\u0101 ir viegl\u0101k, lab\u0101k, jautr\u0101k...<\/p>\n \u2026Bet es nev\u0113los likt sev reiboni. Princip\u0101 - n\u0113!<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n Taj\u0101 pa\u0161\u0101 laik\u0101... es gribu, lai man reibst galva.<\/p>\n \u0160is br\u012bdis.<\/p>\n J\u016btos k\u0101 sl\u012bkstu j\u016br\u0101 ar betona kurp\u0113m.<\/p>\n Man \u0161\u0137iet, ka visa mana pasaule ir sabrukusi\u2026<\/p>\n ...Un es nesaprotu, k\u0101p\u0113c.<\/p>\n es nesaprotu.<\/p>\n Es dom\u0101ju par tevi visu dienu, Simona. Lai gan es jau rakst\u012bju p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Pat tagad es rakstu p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Es dom\u0101ju p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Es ceru p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Es gribu p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Es p\u0101r\u0101k daudz sap\u0146oju.<\/p>\n Es gaidu p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n Es ceru p\u0101r\u0101k daudz.<\/p>\n \u2026es p\u0101r\u0101k daudz raudu.<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es raud\u0101ju p\u0113d\u0113jo reizi, pirms m\u0113s aizmig\u0101m?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es grib\u0113ju tikai apskaut, k\u0101 mazs b\u0113rns... Sk\u016bpst\u012bja pakaus\u012b, kakl\u0101, aus\u012b, vaig\u0101, degun\u0101 un l\u016bp\u0101s?<\/p>\n Kas ar mani notiek?<\/p>\n Kur ir mana pa\u0161apzi\u0146a?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es s\u0101ku baid\u012bties\u2026 Lietas, no kur\u0101m es nekad nebaid\u012bjos?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es baidos tev rakst\u012bt?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es baidos nos\u016bt\u012bt \u0161o v\u0113stuli?<\/p>\n Zinu - vai ar\u012b nos\u016bt\u012b\u0161u kaut kad t\u0101l\u0101 n\u0101kotn\u0113 kop\u0101 ar simtiem citu v\u0113stu\u013cu...<\/p>\n ...Vai ar\u012b dr\u012bz nos\u016bt\u012b\u0161u, stulba impulsa p\u0101r\u0146emta, kas liks man turpm\u0101k to no\u017e\u0113lot.<\/p>\n Galu gal\u0101 zem p\u0113rkona...<\/p>\n \u2026\u0160\u012b v\u0113stule, \u0161is domu juceklis, viss, par ko es p\u0113k\u0161\u0146i k\u013cuvu\u2026<\/p>\n \u2026T\u0101 ir tikai mu\u013c\u0137\u012bba.<\/p>\n Es pat nezinu, k\u0101p\u0113c es rakstu.<\/p>\n Es vairs neko nezinu.<\/p>\n Es tikai gribu tevi m\u012bl\u0113t.<\/p>\n Es vienk\u0101r\u0161i rakstu to, kas pirmais ien\u0101k pr\u0101t\u0101.<\/p>\n Es tikai gribu dz\u012bvot mier\u0101.<\/p>\n Es tikai gribu, lai mani apskauj.<\/p>\n K\u0101 mazam b\u0113rnam.<\/p>\n ES tikai gribu\u2026<\/p>\n \u2026Sasod\u012bts\u2026<\/p>\n KUR IR MANA P\u0100RLIEC\u012aBA PAR SAV\u0100M SP\u0112K\u0100M?<\/p>\n KUR VI\u0145I IR?<\/p>\n KUR?<\/p>\n KUR TAS IR?<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n Galu gal\u0101 es zinu - kad es uzticos saviem sp\u0113kiem, es esmu burv\u012bg\u0101kais, skaist\u0101kais, visfor\u0161\u0101kais cilv\u0113ks, k\u0101ds jebkad bijis. Nu, vismaz priek\u0161 sevis. Tas par\u0101d\u0101s ar\u012b citiem. Un \u0161aj\u0101 br\u012bd\u012b, es nesaprotu, k\u0101p\u0113c, es k\u013cuvu pavisam cit\u0101ds.<\/p>\n P\u0101rsl\u0113dz\u0101s sl\u0113dzis, ie\u0161\u0101v\u0101s dro\u0161in\u0101t\u0101js, un manas sp\u0113jas bija zudu\u0161as.<\/p>\n Sasod\u012bts.<\/p>\n Pal\u012bdzi man.<\/p>\n L\u016bdzu.<\/p>\n esi ar mani<\/p>\n ES lieku<\/p>\n Man vajag savus draugus, bet es nevaru vi\u0146us sasniegt.<\/p>\n Vi\u0146i pazuda. Ba-ba. Boom-bam-bim un prom.<\/p>\n Man Skotij\u0101 bija lab\u0101kais draugs, kur\u0161 mani saprata un sniedza patie\u0161\u0101m labu padomu.<\/p>\n Bet sasod\u012bts.<\/p>\n Man j\u0101dara tas, ko tikko sapratu.<\/p>\n Man vajag b\u016bt v\u012brietim.<\/p>\n Cilv\u0113ks, pie velna.<\/p>\n Jo neviens cits k\u0101 es pats man nepal\u012bdz\u0113s.<\/p>\n Es dodos uz pils\u0113tu.<\/p>\n Pastaig\u0101jies.<\/p>\n Uz kafejn\u012bcu.<\/p>\n Aps\u0113dies.<\/p>\n Man ir j\u0101atg\u016bst savi sp\u0113ki.<\/p>\n \u2026K\u0101p\u0113c vi\u0146i pazuda?<\/p>\n Un k\u0101p\u0113c es ilgojos pirmo reizi atg\u016bt sp\u0113kus?<\/p>\n Kur pazuda mans sp\u0113ks?<\/p>\n Kas es esmu?<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n KAS ES ESMU?<\/p>\n SASOD\u012aTS??<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n Citi cilv\u0113ki nav da\u013ca no manis, teikts gr\u0101mat\u0101s.<\/p>\n Es tam ticu.<\/p>\n Citi cilv\u0113ki nav da\u013ca no manis.<\/p>\n J\u016bs, meitenes, neesat da\u013ca no manis.<\/p>\n Bet k\u0101p\u0113c man ir tik gr\u016bti notic\u0113t?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es joproj\u0101m v\u0113los b\u016bt kop\u0101 ar tevi, mazliet maz\u0101k tagad, kad es to saprotu?<\/p>\n Vai j\u016bs dom\u0101jat, ka j\u016bs mani izlabosit?<\/p>\n Dom\u0101, ka padar\u012bsi mani lab\u0101ku?<\/p>\n K\u0101 b\u016btu, ja tu man iem\u0101c\u012btu visu, ko m\u0101ci pats?<\/p>\n \u2026Un k\u0101p\u0113c es j\u016btos zem\u0101ka par tevi?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c es j\u016btos... nesavt\u012bga un v\u0101ja?<\/p>\n K\u0101p\u0113c?<\/p>\n Nedom\u0101 neko, Daniel, t\u0101 man vakar teica Vi, iesauka Liepos piektais.<\/p>\n Un man to ir TIK GR\u016aTI izdar\u012bt, ka es pat nezinu, vai tas vairs visp\u0101r ir iesp\u0113jams.<\/p>\n Es uzliku rokas uz galvas.<\/p>\n Es izbraucu ar pirkstiem caur matiem.<\/p>\n Es berz\u0113ju aizv\u0113rt\u0101s acis.<\/p>\n Man tas \u0161\u0137iet gr\u016bti.<\/p>\n \u0160is br\u012bdis.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Es gaidu, kad j\u016bs man atrakst\u012bsit.<\/strong><\/p>\n