{"id":1883,"date":"2017-03-20T23:40:58","date_gmt":"2017-03-20T20:40:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/danieliusg.lt\/?p=1883"},"modified":"2021-07-06T21:49:01","modified_gmt":"2021-07-06T18:49:01","slug":"susiktas-printeris","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/debesyla.lt\/uzrasai\/en\/2017\/susiktas-printer\/","title":{"rendered":"Love letter: That printer is driving me crazy!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Goal of the day: 506 words<\/a>. Written: 694<\/b>.<\/p>\n

That printer is driving me crazy. And today, hardly anyone is working...\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ghr.<\/p>\n

AND WHY DO I FEEL SO STRANGE TODAY?<\/p>\n

WHY?<\/p>\n

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN'T COMMUNICATE WITH YOU?<\/p>\n

EVEN THOUGH I FELT SO GOOD DOING IT YESTERDAY?<\/p>\n

WHY?<\/p>\n

I feel lost.<\/p>\n

I don't understand myself.<\/p>\n

Is it good that I'm talking to you so much?<\/p>\n

Am I writing to you so much?<\/p>\n

Have I become so open to bloody censorship?<\/p>\n

This is absurd.<\/p>\n

It's nice to be open.<\/p>\n

But so many people, so many books, articles and magazines have told me that it is not good to disclose everything.<\/p>\n

That's wrong.<\/p>\n

And I'm afraid myself - won't I get tired of talking to you afterwards?<\/p>\n

Won't TAU get fed up?<\/p>\n

Is it even possible, between two perfect people?<\/p>\n

And if it's not possible, then if you get bored, I guess that means you're not right for each other?<\/p>\n

Why am I not enjoying the moment?<\/p>\n

Why am I counting the days?<\/p>\n

[Stops.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

[He grabs the sheet of paper with the days on it and, as he thought he'd done an hour ago, lying in bed... He rips it up.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Enough.<\/p>\n

I don't want to count the days.<\/p>\n

I don't want to wait.<\/p>\n

I want to communicate now. Live. To be.<\/p>\n

And damn that fucking printer.<\/p>\n

God, how I hate noise!<\/p>\n

AND WHY ARE LIBRARIES CLOSED? WHY?<\/p>\n

I feel lost.<\/p>\n

I'm scared.<\/p>\n

[Inhales. Deeply.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

[Slowly, slowly exhales.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

[Inhales.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

[Exhales.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

It's better.<\/p>\n

I'm still lost, but at least the fear is gone.<\/p>\n

*Tun-tun-tun-tun-tun*, music in my ears.<\/p>\n

There are drums, trumpets, pianos and heaps of other instruments.<\/p>\n

And I sit and write.<\/p>\n

I'm writing to a girl who doesn't know if she understands me.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I don't understand myself, but that's not the point.<\/p>\n

I'm writing to a girl who doesn't know if she understands me.<\/p>\n

It's what I think and what I think about.<\/p>\n

I don't know if I'm doing it right.<\/p>\n

My fears inside me tell me that it's not good to tell the girls everything.<\/p>\n

It's unmanly.<\/p>\n

This is not serious.<\/p>\n

It is too open.<\/p>\n

Oh no, she'll see what I'm like!<\/p>\n

Oh no, she will leave me!<\/p>\n

Oh no, oh no!<\/p>\n

[Mintyse church.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sorry again about that little voice. I got sucked in.<\/p>\n

[Gathers the scraps of paper and piles them in a pile. Builds a tower.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

My fears tell me that it's wrong to tell the girls.<\/p>\n

Especially those you admire.<\/p>\n

Especially the way you admire them.<\/p>\n

Especially how scared you are to tell them.<\/p>\n

Especially the fear of losing them.<\/p>\n

Especially how you can't live in waiting.<\/p>\n

Especially how you need to remember to breathe in order to come back to the present moment and enjoy the environment you are in.<\/p>\n

My fears say a lot.<\/p>\n

And I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not.<\/p>\n

You know, I feel like I'm trying to overcome a challenge right now.<\/p>\n

I must like this feeling of fear and anxiety. Masochistically.<\/p>\n

Why?<\/p>\n

Simple - it makes you live.<\/p>\n

It makes you be.<\/p>\n

It makes you remember in the future moments when you were afraid of something. And be happy because you overcame your fears.<\/p>\n

I just wonder - is it good to overcome those fears?<\/p>\n

Is it always a good thing?<\/p>\n

[Laughs, again in his mind.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ha - there, I doubt whether doubt is good. Although I just said it is. I said I was a master of doubt!<\/p>\n

*Fone starts playing Two Steps from Hell - 38th second of Argovia, action starts*<\/a><\/p>\n

But you know, I'm still happy with my doubts.<\/p>\n

I am also happy with what I am doing.<\/p>\n

I have never tried to be open.<\/p>\n

And I wonder - what will come of it?<\/p>\n

Will I meet the love of my life and live with her in the land of rainbows and unicorns, where rivers of cocoa flow with banks of peanut butter?<\/p>\n

Or will I be ground to a pulp by the man to whom I have said so much?<\/p>\n

It's like a game of Va Banque, isn't it?<\/p>\n

[Lost. Where did he finish? He switches the music track and tries to remember.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

But where did I end up?<\/p>\n

Oh, you know, well, anyway - I won't read what I've written so far.<\/p>\n

If I am already writing my thoughts - what I am thinking... Let it remain a stream of thoughts.<\/p>\n

Not a tightly edited letter, article or poem.<\/p>\n

I know there is a forest not far from my dormitory.<\/p>\n

I'm going to go for a walk. I will experience what it holds. Is it big. Is it cold. Is it full of trees.<\/p>\n

I'm going because I have a headache. From the noise. And my endless thoughts.<\/p>\n

I'm going because I don't want to cry. I don't know what it is, but there is something in my eyes again, so if I wanted to, I could. I don't understand myself why it is happening NOW.<\/p>\n

I'm going because I want you to read this when I'm no longer online.<\/p>\n

Because I want you to write back.<\/p>\n

Something.<\/p>\n

And I guess to calm me down.<\/p>\n

And to remind you not to think.<\/p>\n

Remind me to enjoy the moment, just as I keep reminding you.<\/p>\n

Remind you to be yourself. Remind you to be happy.<\/p>\n

You would try to make sure that the call to be happy is not such that I argue \"maybe I don't want to be!\".<\/p>\n

[Smiles. Mentally laughs.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gods, gods.<\/p>\n

[He shakes his head, as if not believing himself.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sudie, [censored].<\/p>\n

Answer.<\/p>\n

[Epic score - Fight for What You Believe plays in the background, Danielius leaves the stage.]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Out of his mind,
\nDaniel<\/strong><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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