This letter - a stream of thoughts - was written about 2 years ago. I found it in an old OneNote notebook on my computer. Here I am presenting a doubly abbreviated and organized text. Two years ago I was in pain, and now it's nice to remember it!<\/p>\n
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Today I woke up feeling as if the glass ceiling above me was cracking... And a wave of water was coming from above, first in drops and then in a flood.<\/p>\n
I woke up feeling...<\/p>\n
...How strange.<\/p>\n
Panic.<\/strong><\/p>\n I woke up feeling panicky. Fear.<\/p>\n I don't know what's happening to me. I instantly lost confidence in myself, in myself, in other people... in reality and in the world. My desires, my beliefs, my everything.<\/p>\n I feel like I'm about to die.<\/p>\n I don't understand anything.<\/p>\n Nothing.<\/p>\n I want nothing.<\/p>\n Only peace.<\/p>\n What's happening to me?<\/p>\n I don't understand.<\/p>\n Absolutely.<\/p>\n I want a drink.<\/p>\n Although I don't drink in principle.<\/p>\n I want to smoke weed like everyone else does.<\/p>\n Although I don't want to get intoxicated as a matter of principle.<\/p>\n I don't want to obscure my thoughts.<\/p>\n I don't want to make myself artificially light.<\/p>\n I don't want to love because I am drunk.<\/p>\n I don't want to talk because I don't have control of my tongue.<\/p>\n Well, yes - it's easier, better, more fun...<\/p>\n ...But I don't want to intoxicate myself. In principle, no!<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n At the same time... I want to intoxicate myself.<\/p>\n This moment.<\/p>\n I feel like I'm drowning in the sea with concrete shoes.<\/p>\n I feel like my whole world has collapsed...<\/p>\n ...And I have no idea why.<\/p>\n I don't get it.<\/p>\n I think about you all day, Simona. Even though I have already written too much.<\/p>\n Even now - I write too much, after all.<\/p>\n I think too much.<\/p>\n I expect too much.<\/p>\n I want too much.<\/p>\n I dream too much.<\/p>\n I'm waiting too much.<\/p>\n I expect too much.<\/p>\n ...I cry too much.<\/p>\n Why did I cry last time before we fell asleep?<\/p>\n Why did I just want to be hugged, like a little child... kissed on the back of the head, on the neck, on the ear, on the jaw, on the nose and on the lips?<\/p>\n What's happening to me?<\/p>\n Where is my self-confidence?<\/p>\n Why did I start to be afraid of... Things I was never afraid of?<\/p>\n Why am I afraid to write to you?<\/p>\n Why am I afraid to send this letter?<\/p>\n I know - or I'll send it sometime in the distant future, along with hundreds of other letters...<\/p>\n ...Or I'll send it soon, on a foolish impulse that will make me regret it in the future.<\/p>\n After all, under thunderstorms...<\/p>\n ...This letter, this jumble of thoughts, everything that I have suddenly become...<\/p>\n ...It's just a bunch of marasmus.<\/p>\n I don't even know why I am writing.<\/p>\n I don't know anything anymore.<\/p>\n I just want to love you.<\/p>\n I just write what comes to my mind first.<\/p>\n I just want to live in peace.<\/p>\n I just want to be hugged.<\/p>\n Like a small child.<\/p>\n I just want to...<\/p>\n ...Under thunderstorms...<\/p>\n WHERE IS MY SELF-CONFIDENCE?<\/p>\n WHERE ARE YOU?<\/p>\n WHERE?<\/p>\n WHERE IS IT?<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n Because I know that when I am confident, I am the most adorable, the coolest, the most awesome person ever. Well, at least to myself. It seems to others too. And in this moment, I don't know why, I've become completely different.<\/p>\n The switch flipped, the fuse went off, and my strength was gone.<\/p>\n Under thunderstorms.<\/p>\n Help me.<\/p>\n Please.<\/p>\n Be with me.<\/p>\n I gave.<\/p>\n I need my friends, but I can't reach them.<\/p>\n They are gone. Ba-ba. Bam-bam-bim and gone.<\/p>\n My best friend came back to Scotland and she would understand me and give me really good advice.<\/p>\n But damn.<\/p>\n I need to do what I have just realised.<\/p>\n I need to be a man.<\/p>\n Man the fuck up.<\/p>\n Because no one else will help me but myself.<\/p>\n I'm going to the city.<\/p>\n Go for a walk.<\/p>\n To the caf\u00e9.<\/p>\n Sit.<\/p>\n I need to regain my strength.<\/p>\n ...Why did they disappear?<\/p>\n And why am I yearning to recover for the umpteenth time?<\/p>\n Where did my strength go?<\/p>\n Who am I?<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n WHO AM I?<\/p>\n UNDER THE PERCUSSION??<\/p>\n …<\/p>\n Other people are not part of me, the books say.<\/p>\n I believe it.<\/p>\n Other people are not part of me.<\/p>\n You, my girl, are not part of me.<\/p>\n Just why is it so hard for me to believe it?<\/p>\n Why do I still want to be with you, even if I am a little less so now that I have realised it?<\/p>\n As if you'll fix me?<\/p>\n As if you will make me better?<\/p>\n As if you're going to teach me everything you know yourself?<\/p>\n ...And why do I feel inferior to you?<\/p>\n Why do I feel... Selfless and weak?<\/p>\n Why?<\/p>\n Don't think anything, Daniel, I was told yesterday by this Vi, nicknamed July Fifth.<\/p>\n And it's SO HARD for me to do it that I don't even know if it's possible anymore.<\/p>\n I hold my head with my hands.<\/p>\n I run my fingers through my hair.<\/p>\n I rub my closed eyes.<\/p>\n It's hard for me.<\/p>\n This moment.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>I'm waiting for you to write me back.<\/strong><\/p>\n