What could be the problem here?<\/p>\n
Good question... Because it's hard to ask it of yourself, especially when others are so dull and you see the obvious solutions.<\/p>\n
- \n
- Why haven't you started writing your book you've been telling me so much about?<\/li>\n
- Why do you eat cake if you're on a diet?<\/li>\n
- Cigarettes will give you lung cancer!<\/li>\n
- You've parked your car again so it's impossible to get out!<\/li>\n
- Why did you go out without a scarf?<\/li>\n
- I flushed, you didn't lower the toilet lid again!<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
And so on\u2026<\/p>\n
You know what's weirdest? No, it's not that someone is complaining about the toilet lid being up. 1<\/a> It's all done out of love... <\/strong>Or at least it is said to be from her. <\/p>\n
Molly Barrow, psychotherapist and relationship books Matchlines<\/a> author, asks: "Have you noticed that we usually blame those we love the most?". And he adds - this kind of love is crooked, strange and not open.<\/p>\n
I'm not asking you today do you really love<\/a> the people you encourage to live smarter, better, healthier. I don't think I should - and you already know the answer. <\/p>\n
Let's take a look instead. what does science say about blame? <\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n
...And how do you change another without coercion?<\/strong><\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/debesyla.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/priekabem-meiles-neperduosi.jpg\" "\\"\\"")
<\/span><\/p>\nWhat do scientists say about the culture of reprimands and the effectiveness of instruction?<\/h2>\n
I call it a culture of reproach because... Well, it is a culture. It is learned and it is also rewarded. Reproaching can become a habit and you won't even notice you are doing it. It's like you don't notice Marge on The Simpsons.<\/a><\/p>\n
First of all: <\/em>It is natural to blame.<\/h3>\n
Although nagging people may seem like the worst, I can reassure you right away that it's not abnormal or rare.<\/p>\n
Couples relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf<\/a> states: <\/p>\n
"Many women find it difficult to talk about their desires directly, so they fall into the trap of blaming instead of directly telling their partners what they want. Unfortunately, the more a woman scolds, the less a man listens, and a cycle is born: he does not fulfill her wishes, because he is tired of listening to demands, and she scolds more and more.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
And while Jamie is talking about women, this applies to men as well. I also had a problem with reprimanding - I choked people with my (well-intentioned) suggestions.<\/p>\n
Reproach is, in effect, like a baby crying. And I don't think you need research to see that babies cry to get attention. They are not crying for the sake of crying! They cry because they have a need - they're hungry, they're scared, they're bored, the crotch region is wet for mysterious reasons...<\/p>\n
Similarly, <\/strong>reproaches are a kind of expression of love. <\/strong>The other person cares, so you try to push them to a better side. Just not very effectively.<\/p>\n
It is easy to blame because we understand what we are saying, but we do not (and cannot) understand what others are hearing. For us, the advice "Well, just walk at least half a kilometer today" seems the most logical, because we are able to do it ourselves. In the same way, the criticism "What, push and pull and you're done!?" seems logical, because we haven't experienced it ourselves.<\/p>\n
Rebuke is the highest confirmation bias<\/a> ("I told you it would!") and selfishness bias<\/a> ("It's clear that you hurt me like this on purpose!") expression. It's a bug in our brain and we all have it.<\/p>\n
But we can learn to scold less.<\/p>\n
It turns out that:<\/em> Reproach is violence... causing death?<\/h3>\n
In 2014, researchers at the University of Copenhagen completed an 11-year study.<\/a> Researchers compared the lives and relationships of 9,875 men and women (aged 36 to 52). After 11 years, 196 women (4%) and 226 men (6%) were already in anapil, and almost half of these deaths were due to cancer, heart, liver disease or accidents.<\/p>\n
...Here's what was unexpected: <\/strong>research participants who claimed during the surveys that they were scolded by their partners fell into a risk group whose probability of mortality was 50-100% higher! In general, people who experience more conflict have a 50-70% higher risk of death!<\/p>\n
Researcher Rikke Lund<\/a> summarized as follows: <\/p>\n
"Infrequent disputes do not pose a high risk, but constant disagreements seem to pose a risk." And adds: "Excitement for other people is a sign that we care about them. But when it happens every day, it's not good."<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The saddest thing is that reproaches seem to hurt men the most; especially if they are unemployed!? Perhaps in this case, going to the garage to take a piss is actually healthy, because a lot of the emotional stress for men is caused by weak male social ties, as well as the fear of disappointing their spouse. After all, a man has to be cool and he can't be uncool... Or so they think.<\/p>\n
...Oh, and notice that this is about Denmark? We can guess that it is the same in Lithuania.<\/p>\n
When it comes to domestic violence, the thought is that violence is when something goes way over your head. But reproaches can be even more painful violence,<\/strong> because the physical passes away, and the reproaches enter the soul and gnaw from the inside for years. Like a parasite, they harm people. Psychologist Dovil\u0117 Bubnien\u0117 speaks more about this situation in Lithuania.<\/a><\/p>\n
Unexpected:<\/em> Relationships need space.<\/h3>\n
And reproaches are the most damaging when you talk, when you give advice... But you don't give any time to use the advice!<\/p>\n
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from his friend Milena<\/a> - let others be. The more you force yourself, the less they will believe you.<\/strong> And when a business process expert Seth Godin<\/a> is talking about businesses, he is talking about the same reproach. The constant calls to buy the product... Certainly does not inspire confidence in the seller.<\/p>\n
Neuropsychologist Paul Pearsall in Psychologists Make Mistakes Too<\/a> states: "Families break up more often not because of too little communication, but because of too much."<\/p>\n
...Your partner, children, colleagues or friends are not part of you. They're just tired of being told to listen! For more on this topic, see the bloggers Strelka and Belka, whose wonderful article I recommend reading "Closeness and distance in love".<\/a><\/p>\n
No plant will grow without space.<\/p>\n
And here:<\/em> Fight - you will make enemies.<\/h3>\n
And that's why some people believe in vaccine harm or think vegans are crazy.<\/p>\n
...Why don't they understand the basics? Because some scientists and vegans have been too aggressive. <\/strong>We generally don't like having our point of view challenged, but the one I mentioned confirmation bias<\/a> is only part of the problem.<\/p>\n
- \n
- First of all, yes, some people realize that they understand very little. However, due to Dunning-Kruger effect<\/a> most of us don't.<\/li>\n
- And if you think it's more important to argue through feelings than through logic... think again. Research with parents who believe in the anti-vaccine movement shows that evidence through emotional stories or images did no more to convince them than the bare fact<\/a>.<\/li>\n
- Finally, arguments do not make us feel unpleasant, but rather make us want to run or fight. Other studies show that regions of the brain responsible for survival are activated during arguments<\/a>... And the logic centres shut down. In other words, here is the reason why you have made such a nonsensical, yet resounding argument in that argument.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
The short version is that disputes only create new enemies.<\/strong> And here's another thing my friend Milena does - she doesn't argue with lunatics, because arguing won't bring them to their senses. Only a slow, long, calm...<\/p>\n
...Who? I'll tell you in a moment, but let me end the controversy with one more study.<\/p>\n
It turns out that one of the best ways to calm your opponent down and bring them back to their senses is ask him to explain his point of view.<\/a> Do not demand to defend yourself, but simply ask for an explanation. Maybe not he, but YOU are wrong?<\/strong> After all, it's possible that you're asking your trailer to pass by and you don't know it at all!<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/debesyla.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/kaip-pakeisti-kitus-be-priekaistu-2.jpg\" "\\"\\"")
<\/span><\/p>\nWhat to do? How to change others for the better?<\/h2>\n
I guess you can already sense it. I guess that won't be unheard of for you. So where's the catch? The most difficult part is to look at your own darkness, your own behavior and shake the reproaches out.<\/p>\n
It might not be easy. I will be surprised if you take it too! You will be a better person immediately. But the most important thing here is to try. At least a little. I will train myself over time.<\/p>\n
...Reproaches turn any relationship into slavery. Is that what you want?<\/p>\n
I invite you instead of reproaches and anger, instead of the desire to forcefully change another to be what Milena was to me.<\/p>\n
Friend.<\/strong><\/p>\n
You see, Milena is a vegan. She believes in eating animals not very moral<\/a> and definitely not organic<\/a>, and communicated with me - an omnivore who did not even promise to become a vegan! And suddenly, after three years of dating, I myself decided to try veganism for a month. Just to check.<\/p>\n
She didn't force me. Never.<\/strong> Instead, she was a good friend and invited me to vegan fests ("Come, there will be free food!"), parties ("Come, there will be pizza!"), agreed to meet when I was having a hard time ("Let's meet Riddick<\/a>, let's talk!").<\/p>\n
- \n
- And when you're talking to someone who likes you as a person, who invites you for free food, pizzas and good conversations... How can you NOT be friends with them!?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
And no, Milena is not my girlfriend, so don't say \"Oh, she just stood you up...\". She's just a bloody amazing friend! How can you NOT want to be like a good friend?<\/strong><\/p>\n
So, look at your relationship. Are you a friend to loved ones? Or maybe more of a heartless asshole who only cares about expressing his opinion, "fixing" and controlling other people's lives?<\/p>\n
Good friend:<\/p>\n
- \n
- Will express his opinion openly, without muttering and crying.<\/li>\n
- Bad opinions. Because if it's not interesting, it's not interesting, NOTHING NEEDS TO BE FIXED. Even if a person uses drugs (smokes, drinks, sitting on Facebook...<\/a>) is his choice and you, as a friend, will not try to force him.<\/li>\n
- Will seek to understand the other. Will listen. And not so that he can immediately give advice and a solution - he will listen SINCERELY, because he is INTERESTED in getting to know other souls.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
If it is impossible for you to be sincere, open, not demanding - then honestly think about whether it is worth communicating with the people you communicate with. And think, don't you have communication injuries that you should slowly heal yourself?<\/p>\n
Here's the short version:<\/p>\n
- \n
- Nobody likes being DEMANDED of.<\/li>\n
- When he demands, you either want to fight (even in stupid ways), or ignore, run away, hide.<\/li>\n
- No one wants to deal with selfish, non-listening, assholes.<\/li>\n
- Everyone wants to have friends who help, listen and inspire.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
I think if you want to demand... It's better to just ask. Ask because no one has to do anything.<\/strong><\/p>\n
And when you open yourself up, when you let someone else choose for themselves - that's when the biggest changes happen. Magically, people start thinking "Maybe I'd like to?" and try what you've been suggesting for the longest time. Then all you have to do is smile and enjoy that your advice was used.<\/p>\n
...Love people who are not like you. Because it's only through friendship that you can change the world. Well, of course, you can do other things too. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm just sharing my point of view. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
And what do you think?<\/p>\n
- Will seek to understand the other. Will listen. And not so that he can immediately give advice and a solution - he will listen SINCERELY, because he is INTERESTED in getting to know other souls.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
- And if you think it's more important to argue through feelings than through logic... think again. Research with parents who believe in the anti-vaccine movement shows that evidence through emotional stories or images did no more to convince them than the bare fact<\/a>.<\/li>\n
- First of all, yes, some people realize that they understand very little. However, due to Dunning-Kruger effect<\/a> most of us don't.<\/li>\n